Sonja rolled her eyes slightly, “Oh yes. Men really get off on that because it makes them feel powerful to watch a woman squirt.”
“Can you do that?”
“So why haven’t you told me?”
She shot me a quizzical look,
“You’ve never asked.”
Female ejaculation isn’t a popular topic of conversation, even among my women friends who discuss ménage a trios and anal sex in the same sort of way some women talk about manicures and finding new restaurants.
Nurse Pamela, maneuvering her chopsticks around the recently arrived plate of sushi, remained skeptical.
“What happens? Does it make your orgasms spectacular?”
I told her I didn’t know as I’d only had one experience.
“Hummmm, then I’m not all that interested. Sounds too much like work.”
Determined to find out if I was the only other woman in Australia, or possibly on the planet, who didn’t know about female ejaculation I started to ask around. A few people had the experience; many had heard about women who ejaculated and almost everyone had a vague idea about the topic; the majority, however, thought female ejaculation was a myth. Like other obscure topics, such as cathartic orgasms, egusi soup and chaos theory, some people knew exactly what I was talking about. Bob, a friend in Auckland said, “My first wife used to ejaculate if I spent a lot of time and did everything just right. But I didn’t like her much so mostly I didn’t bother.”
In my case it was a matter of ‘When you are ready a teacher will appear’. As a sexually active woman, a demanding lover and a dominatrix perhaps I should have stumbled across female ejaculation earlier. But I didn’t. It wasn’t until I met Alexander, who introduced me to the sport, that I had my first ejaculation.
Like so many people I’ve since talked to, I thought female ejaculation was something you could either do or you couldn’t – rather like rolling your tongue or wiggling your ears. The idea of learning how to ejaculate had never occurred to me, until Alexander came into my bedroom and started to teach me about it. While there are references to female ejaculation in women’s magazines, sites dedicated to it on the web, it still isn’t a topic a lot of people set out to study. Like so many other things, such as new food or travel, it isn’t until we have a personal experience that we become involved and want to know more.
Wanting to write about female ejaculation so I could tell other people about it, I put fresh batteries in my tape recorder and plopped it in front of Alexander.
By way of background information, Alexander is one of the about .1% of men in the world I would classify as an exceptional lover. The characteristics of an exceptional lover are that s/he views sex is an art form. As well as techniques, s/he is also concerned with safety (both sexual and personal), pushing boundaries without being threatening and encouraging her/his partner to give and receive the best s/he can. While a lot of men claim to love sex, they seem to confuse it with ejaculation – theirs.
When I asked Alexander how many sexual partners he’d had he wasn’t sure. In fact, he couldn’t even give me an estimate within ‘give or take fifty’. So we settled on ‘enough – probably in the hundreds’. I asked Alexander how he’d learned to make women ejaculate. Recognizing his ‘Damn it, here we go again with all her questions’ sigh I topped up his glass of wine and settled back on the sofa determined to extract the information I wanted, no matter how much Sauvignon blanc was involved.
Alexander started by talking about orgasms in general, saying that from a young age there’s a lot of pressure on people to be sexually proficient, even though they may not know a lot about what they’re doing. “It wasn’t uncommon for girls to fake an orgasm, timed perfectly with the real male one. After all, that’s how it happens in the magazines and romance novels. The first time I saw a girl ejaculate I was shocked. She’d often gushed a lot of light watery fluid at the peak of her orgasm. I loved it – it was involuntary, it was different and, so naturally, I assumed all women could do that if they really enjoyed sex.”
According to Alexander it was different from the lubricating wetness he was used to. “She couldn’t explain it, but it definitely wasn’t pee. I had no idea what had happened and there was no one to really ask. And I wasn’t going to find it in World Book Encyclopaedia, that’s for sure. My assumption was that it was just extra good and, in hindsight, I realized she’d sometimes fake her orgasm to get the timing of that perfect mutual orgasm just right. I’ve since discovered that the fluid varies in scent from person to person and ranges in viscosity from a watery liquid to a thick creamy lubricating fluid.”
Apparently ejaculation rarely occurs from clitoral stimulation alone. “I constantly hear complaints from women about men who think that if a little is good, then harder and faster is better. That’s not the case, in my experience, with the quest for female ejaculation.”
Other critical influences he identified include a combination of positioning, a range of movements, pressure variations, speed and, most importantly, verbal encouragement. “I’ve found that what I say and how I say it is so very important. It’s not just about permission to let go without consequence, but encouraging my partner to do it in a big way. As we know, the mind is our greatest sexual organ. Quite a few women are afraid to completely lose control, so when I say something like “Go ahead and squirt, piss all over my hand and saturate me” they can see that I’m aroused by the idea and they tend to relax and let things happen naturally. Of course, talking and encouraging a partner during sex nearly always has positive results. Some women have a lot of inhibitions. The idea that nice girls soak beds isn’t something they learn in school. Or even from their girlfriends. There seems to be so little known, that it would be easy for people to confuse it with some type of pissing and avoid it at all cost”
While the traditional orgasm and ejaculation are often concurrent, they don’t have to be, according to Alexander. “I can only assume it’s a combination of psychological, emotional and physical stimuli. Sometimes a woman will ejaculate before reaching orgasm.
For most though, ejaculation and orgasm occur at the same time and she just goes wild because of the physical and mental overload, almost more than she can handle.”
Alexander finds that the more experience he has and the more he encourages his partners to experiment, the more women he meets who can learn to ejaculate. “During my twenties, I’d say about 5% of the women I had sex with ejaculated. In my thirties, about 10%. Now I’d say about 20% of women I know will readily ejaculate. Mind you, there are different manifestations. Some need a little more coaxing and coaching, but no matter what I try, about 80% of women just don’t ejaculate and I don’t know why.
From a man’s perspective, women feel about as different on the inside as they look on the outside. Add to that all sorts of emotional, physical and psychological variations, plus my mood, patience and motivation and there are a lot of reasons ejaculation may not happen. It might with another man or under different circumstances.”
I asked Alexander to describe the kinds of ejaculations he’d seen.
“Everything from a slow and rhythmic pulsing of clear viscous liquid over minutes, to the most drenching and explosive spraying that soaked everything within a one meter radius. In the explosive scenarios, only smell and texture would differentiate it from gushing urine. In one instance, a woman sprayed and some of her fluid hit a window that was two meters away. At the time my hand was pushing against the natural flow, which likely increased the pressure and caused her to squirt across the room. We had a chuckle about it later when we found it during the cleaning up. The most dramatic example though, was a woman who would just continue to orgasm and ejaculate from finger work so long as I didn’t let her come down from the high. I lost count, but it was in the vicinity of 30 separate orgasms and ejaculations. Thankfully we were in a hotel room as the mattress and base were drenched through. I was tired, but she was totally exhausted and couldn’t stand up for an hour. I’ll never forget that morning”
The porn industry has a lot to answer for regarding making female ejaculation seem unusual. “I’ve seen plenty of videos depicting squirting like it’s a freak of nature. It’s not. Some of the porn videos portray the women as sluts who somehow achieve this unusual feat for the camera. I sometimes wonder if it is real ejaculation or it’s just orchestrated to make the film.”
Helping a woman discover ejaculation can be a very intimate and moving experience. “It certainly excites me. As you’re not experiencing it yourself, you have to be acutely tuned in to your partner’s responses. If you aren’t intuitive about it, your chances of success are limited. As both a participant and a spectator, any amount of fluid that squirts from the urethra is spectacular in my books. The more fluid, the more aroused I get and the more pleased a woman seems to feel with herself. As a man, it’s wonderful when a woman says, ”Hey guess what I did… I managed to hit the bed head, soak two towels and it still went through to the mattress.”
Alexander’s analysis of my experience, which was more like a dribble than a waterfall and interesting but not spectacular, was “You’re so bloody clinical, you have to understand everything. Why can’t just lie back and enjoy it for what it is?” My somewhat limp excuse is that I’m a recovering academic.
Wanting to experiment further I waited until I had a free Sunday afternoon. Then I settled into bed with lube, a hand towel and the determination to discover a formula that worked for me. It was time to move beyond being perfunctory and get serious about learning how to ejaculate properly.
I inserted my finger into my vagina and then curled it around so it touched the back of my pubic bone. Ah yes, there was the pad, the bit of flesh that feels different, rougher somehow, like the surface of a tongue. So I squeeze and rubbed the area softly and then increased the pressure and the motion. Nothing much happened except that I felt like I was going to pee and knew that was the first sign that I was doing something right. So I pressed harder and rubbed faster. Still no squirting, nothing to get excited about. Frankly, by this time I was starting to get a touch bored with the entire process, not an uncommon reaction given that immediate gratification is one of my specialities.
Not wanting to waste my self-indulgent time I used my vibrator to bring myself to the point of clitoral orgasm and then inserted it to see if it had any effect. It was a pleasant enough sensation, but still no towel soaking gushes. I turned off the vibrator and reinserted my finger. The difference was amazing! The pad had spread to a larger area. And the center was engorged and felt about the size of a cashew. So again I rubbed and pressed. Nice feeling, but it still wasn’t happening. I was getting frustrated. Why had it worked before? Why couldn’t I reproduce it?
Almost at the point when I was ready to admit ejaculation defeat, I slowly extracted my finger until it was at the opening of my vagina, which had become the outer reaches of the pad. With my finger lightly resting there I felt a slight dribble. Then a gush. And then another spasm of pelvic floor muscles contractions that shot fluid over the end of the towel. There was no doubt that I’d discovered female ejaculation at last!
Always the intrepid researcher I had to make sure I had it right – not difficult as I was enjoying the field research. After repeated re-enactments, which soaked the hand towel, another bath towel and seeped through the sheets and the mattress cover I decided I’d earned the title of ‘Female Ejaculator.’
The method that works for me to become sexually aroused, curl my finger back over the centre of the pad behind my public bone and then press. The pressure builds up the tension until it becomes almost uncomfortable. Then when I slide my finger to the edge of the pad area I start to squirt. Sometimes it starts as a dribble and turns to a gush. Other times it is a reaction to the muscles convulsing and the fluid erupts into waves.
By the end of my experiment I was exhausted. Dehydrated. And very pleased with myself. My ejaculatory fluid is clear, watery and slightly acidic. Although it comes from the urethra – as do both semen and urine – it is as different in smell, texture and taste to urine as Sauvignon blanc is to single malt.
I was very excited when I rang Alexander. “Hey, I’ve discovered the formula for female ejaculation.”
“No, you’ve figured out what works for you – and we all know that you don’t represent most women. Each woman has to discover what does or doesn’t work for her. Another thing to remember is that not all women can ejaculate, any more than all women can orgasm or get pregnant. It’s very much an individual process, with varying reactions and expectations. Can you imagine if everyone in the world suddenly decided women should ejaculate? There would be a lot of disappointment and finger pointing at people’s apparent failure: “You’re frigid”; “No, you’re useless”.
According to Alexander people have to keep female ejaculation in perspective. “Techniques should be considered merely as guidelines from which you adapt according to the infinite number of variables in people, moods and relationships. This, like tactile pleasure generally, is not just about technique. Remember we’re not talking about operating a ‘female machine – model 1972, version blond’ here. It is an intimate and personal experience, with everything that involves.
Our mind interprets pleasure and then translates it so that it makes sense. It’s what you create in your partner’s mind that will have the greatest influence over her reaction, and probably her chance of reaching orgasm and ejaculating, if possible. Stimulation is really just a series of electrical messages.
Creating a safe place for a woman to willingly open herself to new experiences requires an understanding of her personally, what’s important to her, her fantasies and, most importantly, her fears. That requires genuine attention and reassurance on the man’s part. It’s a fair generalization that women are more likely to share more intimate thoughts with those they trust than men are. It is all about trust and you have to give it to earn it. It’s big picture stuff. Once you understand the environment and context you need to be in, you can then work on the details, like technique. What guides you then is listening and responding to what is happening in the moment, subtle or otherwise, and not focusing on the expected outcome. And I shouldn’t have to mention it for the guys, but more of everything doesn’t necessarily mean better. It’s up to you to learn about the individual or you’ll be forever wondering why something works one day and not the next. Patience serves everyone well. Trying to blueprint every technique is a waste of time.
Males of every species have innate reproductive techniques. Humans are fortunate in that we can continue to consciously explore the pleasure of sex. What works for us today, may not do it for us next week. But there are always new discoveries, if we want to invest our time in sexual adventure. At an early age, I learned that carefully focusing on my partner’s responses was rewarding because my pleasure increased by having my partner get off. From a male perspective, being trusted and sought after is wonderful for the ego.”
While I’m having a lovely time experimenting with ejaculation if I’d never had the experience my sex life would have continued along on its merry way and I wouldn’t have felt it was inadequate. Female ejaculation is just an added extra.
Having said that, I would still encourage women who haven’t ejaculated to experiment. Informational web sites include:
Alexander speculates, “It would be great to be able to work closely with more women to fine tune the techniques that work for them and to work with men to heighten their awareness. Not just that female ejaculation exists, but that there are serious rewards for everyone in attentive exploration – regardless of the outcome.” He is also right about people realizing it will work for some but not for all. The expectation of orgasm or ejaculation detracts from what spectacular sex is all about – pleasure, enjoyment and intimacy.
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