My ever changing sexuality

changing sexualityMy ever changing sexuality really began as a teen, I grew my sexual legs in a free love community of spiritual seekers, my views of this ever changing sexuality are quite non-traditional. I know the world is far bigger than many people imagine it and that we need not be drugged to break out and experience it. That big world requires intelligence and extreme truthfulness to be harmless in the midst of changing sexuality. Some risk we can’t avoid, like handling food, if we’re not careless, we can enjoy and share food and sex without causing unnecessary harm.

The current stream of my sexuality at almost 49 is inexplicable. Mind you I’ve been non monogamous for well over two decades. The last three months my sexuality has been all over the map after nearly hibernating for over a year.

I’ve felt both so excited and vulnerable with desire that it bordered on impotence, I’ve also recently been superman so that my unaided orgasmic potential outdid what I could do when I was nineteen. That’s astonishing.

I can’t conclude anything from this changing sexuality except to illustrate it with a nature metaphor – a river.

Sometimes the rivers current is slow, other times it’s whitewater or even Niagara Falls and that reality can change quickly. The current does not consult my expectations or serve anyone else’s ideas. If it rains or thaws the river swells.

I’m feeling as amazed, alive and frankly as vulnerable as I’ve ever felt. This whole changing sexuality is not lukewarm at all, it’s unspeakably, vibrantly alive.

None of this is an identity. If I were to make the mistake of identifying myself with any of this, it would turn this intensity and the ever-changing river into something uselessly terrifying and that is not necessary. To quote Heraclitus, “No man ever steps in the same river twice.” It’s as true today for men and women as it was in ancient Greece.

I’m only one man, a unique witness, an incarnation of matter and life. The women who have met me in these beautiful affections fill me with real gratitude for this life. This gratitude in the midst of changing sexuality is also mixed with all the emotions involved in discovery, that is, trial and error.

I welcome and celebrate the same freedom for my lovers that I insist upon having myself. I also feel an enormous longing to share these affections with someone, I miss, who is a big reason for the thaw, who seems out of reach and doing other things. But one thing I discovered in the commune. Changing sexuality is always about those who will.

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