Stop excusing jealousy as natural

Is jealousy natural? Cancer is natural, and so is our appendix. Is jealousy instinctive? Even if we assume it so, our ability to adapt beyond genetic limits is also natural. But anthropology gives us many examples of human sexuality beyond monogamy. Perhaps many of our beliefs about sex are arbitrary based on where and when we were born. We do not grow new eyes; we create glasses and laser-surgery to make up for genetic flaws. Perhaps possessiveness with lovers is a flaw like being near-sighted…. Read More

We Lose When We Withhold Love

We distort our capacity to love others with reference to an imaginary future. We see ourselves in this story and believe we know what love will do for us. We use emotion to force others to do what they “should”; what we desire; what we have in mind. We even withhold and limit love as a threat, ignoring the fact that death stalks us all. If we do this, we are drowning in our minds reflecting pool. Ironically, we may justify our actions by imagining… Read More

Go Beyond Jealousy

Todd Vickers

I want to talk about identity as perhaps the most important and often overlooked part of going beyond jealousy. Let us ask “who” gets jealous. If we will look at our own self-concept, the questions around this destructive emotion change. Unfortunately, the inquiry may not come spontaneously, as jealousy arises, intense feeling and finding some relief from the anguish may seem the only problem. Most of us see many faults in self-centered possessiveness but that does not necessarily stop the distress. While seeking security by… Read More

Hobbled Hearts Part 2

Sacrificing for an Imagined Good When we believe the “right” relationship will secure good circumstances, we assume we know today what this bond should look like in the future. When we attempt to make human interaction similar to ideas we reject other alternatives. We turn our lovers into just a means. Let’s be clear, I use others as means but they have a value beyond that as ends. A lovers happiness, serving no purpose for me, is better than unhappiness obligated to me. People seduced… Read More

Hobbled Hearts Part 1

Don’t condemn body desires We are double-dealing with body pleasures if we speak of them in dreadful tones. We take risks with sex but the same is true of driving. Let us disapprove of recklessness, not varieties of joy rendered safe through intelligence. When sexual delights happen every day without injury, we should not blame sex for errors of judgment. If we condemn physical desires, confusion results, especially when we commonly indulge these joys. This inconsistency can be set right, at least in part, by… Read More