The eros of the psyche does NOT limit its power to assumed roles of dominant and submissive. It moves within an individual and also moves from one living being to another. It’s so vulnerable, it will be tempting to stop because unlike the physical body, the psyche has no physical limits. That’s how out of control it feels. Read More
Why would I say there is unreasonable respect for old relationship beliefs?
At a party, a woman lamented that she had to divide all her assets twice in two divorces. She said the next time she gets married, the man will have more stuff than her. When three people asked why she would get married again, she replied in a circular way, “I’m just the marrying type.” And the conversation ended since there seemed no point. If someone answered the question, why do you … Read More
Why are foolish men blocking abortion? Foolish men that think they can control women, they only tyrannize. Even those unfortunate ones who, do to circumstances or a manufactured torpidity, succumb to your sexual foot-binding, … Read More
We cannot be convicted of abusing a lovers empathy with our self-created misery but we can still be guilty. Our ability to feel what we think is one of our conceptual powers. The mind does not … Read More
How many of our sexual beliefs result from conforming to or rebelling against arbitrary, indirect and unrelated suggestions? Things like a belief or a product that our sexuality could easily exist without.
Would you like to see some different views that challenge beliefs about sex? We’ve got articles, videos, slide shows and memes you can peruse, contemplate, share and comment about. Consider a four part series discussing Read More
We risk losing some opportunities telling the truth. Regardless, the growth of a seed in a consciously sewn garden is not retarded by noxious weeds and briers overtaking the blossoms and choking them … Read More
This brief video looks at one of the mistaken value judgments hidden in the deceit of cheating.
A lie debases our longing for more joy and pollutes our morality. When we habitually use affections, including sexuality as a means, we forget those affections are something that makes life worth living, simply by themselves. This includes sexual affection for more than one other.
Let’s welcome sexuality in honesty.
Affections for their own sake is one of the things that make life worthwhile. Let’s not pretend sexual affection is unimportant when it is.
Probably the best way to illustrate what I’m doing with this art is to criticize it. One of the strongest objections to these paintings, they are all negative. They show problems, not solutions. Even the title of the show is negative – Love instead of . . .
Before considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being mistreated. We feel … Read More
Distinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. The rebel … Read More
Sex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises to scare … Read More
“The question we’re considering here – How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall into the … Read More
“We miss higher values if we habitually (unconsciously) judge according to goals. A dear friend, who I will call Gregg, described meeting a young woman. On the couch, their honesty orbited sex. Her beauty induced his longing, … Read More
I recently shared food with two women who both cheated on past lovers and felt pain about their conduct. Both now live candidly in non-monogamous circumstances and feel better for the change. I know non-monogamous men who feel the same way. These people made moral … Read More
We can’t pick her out of a crowd, she who lives in secret. As the eyes of her teachers stabbed with disapproval, she learned to show what they would not condemn. And sometimes her sisters were as mean. She learned that … Read More
According to my friend, George, the American proverb that “even blind pigs can find an occasional acorn” is understated in Cambodia. “The ‘Kingdom Of Wonder’ – as Cambodia is advertised by the tourism board – is a haven for sex-pats. Easy immigration policies let foreigners stay for extended periods. A phrase repeated around the capital is ‘The older and uglier you are, the … Read More
In my research, I interrogate orthodox feminist concepts, such as patriarchy, objectification, gender power differentials, mating systems and psychosexual differences using humour and evolutionary explanatory models such as sexual selection, parental investment theory, mutual mate choice, female … Read More
The benefits of plural and open sexual friendships cannot be measured nor should the benefits be underestimated. Consider how often commercials and political propaganda invoke our sexual instincts. A chicken broods on a wooden egg and our instincts can also … Read More
We’re off to Saguaro Man tomorrow. Seven pieces of Todd’s art will be on exhibit called Poly Follies at Center Camp. He will be doing a talk Saturday at Noon called Polyamory Without Pathos … Read More
Mistaking means for ends in love is one of the worst and common mistakes. What we learned about love often makes our love pretentious, an insane dream-world that murders affection. A commitment necessarily views people as means to some goal. Anything that we can … Read More
The way we learn to judge our sex partners is questionable. We see our bias whenever ideal partnerships break up in spite of what seems the best of circumstances. Often we mistake means for ends. In American culture, we typically put down … Read More
Concening sexual idealism, I discuss with my beloved Sharon various topics, including sex, the morning news and our plans for the day. One day our conversation turned to the free love of the 1960s. A postmortem on the ‘60s … Read More
Todd Vickers published The Relevance of Kabir at Smashwords. This eBook will soon be available at your favorite stores like Amazon, Barns & Noble and more. If you would like a free review copy, go to Read More
How about a cougar awareness month, or better, let’s have a cougar awareness life! Yes, these women can do many other things too, but do not marginalize the loving. In a world with so much mature and harmless longing, there … Read More
How many beliefs about love are worth their upkeep and defense? Many beliefs rest on circumstances that must change, after all, that is what circumstances do. When we seek particular ‘results’ we turn our lovers into a means to an … Read More
A wonderful short documentary about the Bonobo Ape. This make love not war, sex for joy sake creature, raises a question about ourselves. Not that we should live in trees. Though I’m not against … Read More
The honor we pay to fictional ideas about love and sex is simply customary, like the undeserved deference our ancestors felt they must pay to king and clergy. These ideas, even when false, have real power. Some of our forebears undoubtedly believed in the truth, importance and obligation of their … Read More
We are creatures capable of amazing altered states that we enjoy. We find our way to discovering what those things are. We can even help others to have that excitement. But lets remember, what ever your consensual thing may be, a little humor can do us a lot of good.
Many non-traditional folks carry conclusions that seem to rest on bias left over from tradition. For example, in a recent piece, Louisa Leontiades discussed applying the lessons of open relationships to monogamous relationships. I agree with her about many things, but we … Read More
In sexual relationships, consider the anguish of those that try everything they learned to do in order to succeed and still suffer. People often attempt what their contemporaries and therapists suggest, to create lasting relationships. Regardless of the money spent … Read More
I am not saying that all casual sex is loving any more than I would say the same about all marriages. Our society’s blind spots around sex are worse because we tend to trust customs and support these ideas … Read More
Why are we afraid to have sex with friends? We fear to fall from the heights of affection, and we have probably witnessed this happen. The reason for this fall is we start thinking in terms of expectations, we start treating … Read More
If you are wise and find it unacceptable when truth opposes a craving, you understand “integrity” serves no purpose unless it achieves our desire. Doubtless, some “square” will tell us this pragmatic approach supposes we don’t need to adapt to facts of life. Well, if … Read More
Is jealousy natural? Cancer is natural, and so is our appendix. Is jealousy instinctive? Even if we assume it so, our ability to adapt beyond genetic limits is also natural. But anthropology gives us many examples of human sexuality beyond monogamy. Perhaps many of our … Read More
Sexual Generosity goes beyond kindness and tolerance. Generosity seeks to improve the condition of others regardless of any return. Sexual generosity must include a far-reaching notion… that the joy of another is not a threat.
We distort our capacity to love others with reference to an imaginary future. We see ourselves in this story and believe we know what love will do for us. We use emotion to force others to do what they “should”; what we desire; what … Read More
Our society suffers an epidemic of people seeking their own ends at the expense of others. Do not exclude the everyday folks outside of public view. Workaday people can make decisions or carry out boardroom choices that harm. When … Read More
We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this kindness or corrupt it. In a situation with more than one lover, the gravity of this subject increases.
Our desire to be truthful is a real merit but we must avoid the honesty facade. Sometimes coercive motivations hide behind being honest. What is power? It is the ability to make people do what they would not do otherwise. We do not need power to make people do what they want.
Should we keep from imposing our “honesty” when our lover’s are in the midst of joy with others? Let us be extremely honest with ourselves first. Are we frightened by our lovers eyes shining like lanterns while looking upon another or does a problem (something harmful) really exist? For some of us this question is very difficult.
As a kindness the least that we can do is not automatically speak, especially if we believe we must justify ourselves by some abstract principle or enforce some arbitrary limit. Can we let others have the ecstasy we probably want for ourselves? How many sweet moments, both in or out of bed, do people interrupt wanting to “share” a feeling when they are really just imposing? We humans are events in nature and like the whether; we are a part of the environment others must deal with.
Unlike the weather we can rain on a celebration when it suits us, even compel others to seek shelter from the storm.
If we have an unpleasant feeling, that does not make the circumstances wrong. We can induce discomfort in ourselves and others with unfounded beliefs. Many bigots indeed feel uncomfortable when they come across racially mixed lovers. When we have an idea of the way things “should be” and treat all else as something wrong, we assume infallible judgment. This is not so unlike the racist. The issue here is prejudice provoking our emotions, not the differences between varieties of narrow-mindedness. When the world transgresses our expectations, it does not mean the world is, wrong.
[Beware] …of an idea abstracted from the concretes of experience and then used to oppose and negate what it was abstracted from… The ‘sentimentalist fallacy’ is to shed tears over abstract justice and generosity, beauty, etc., and never to know these qualities when you meet them in the street, because the circumstances make them vulgar.
Most of us do not have the opportunity to live in ideal circumstances, but that does not negate the discovery of something outside of our expectations. Sometimes what we find is not just unexpected, but worthwhile, even life changing, like varieties of love existing beyond our previous understanding. Our creation of the opportunities for intimate discovery are less important than our avoidance of unconsciously destroying those possibilities.
By Todd Vickers
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I want to talk about identity as perhaps the most important and often overlooked part of going beyond jealousy. Let us ask “who” gets jealous. If we will look at our own self-concept, the questions around this destructive emotion change. … Read More
At times, the wonders of curvy women seem overlooked. This regrettable fad harms both men and women and I hope my experience will help open some minds. However, stating any attraction to women involves sexist hazards, booby traps if you will. Sexism … Read More
The first time I ever saw a cathartic orgasm I was quite concerned. Should I ring the ambulance or hope it passes? ‘Cathartic orgasm’, by the way, is a phrase I coined to describe orgasms that have the same signs and symptoms as shock – light-headed-ness or a feeling of passing out, restlessness, confusion, shallow … Read More
Not everyone who is not monogamous has the temperament for open relationships. Yet, many have a disposition for deceit, those who are pretending to the custom. I support responsible open sexuality and do not mean to discourage this freedom. However, … Read More
We are double-dealing with body pleasures if we speak of them in dreadful tones. We take risks with sex but the same is true of driving. Let us disapprove of recklessness, not varieties of joy rendered safe through intelligence. When sexual delights … Read More
The concept of normal people. If we have little or no interest in sex we may withhold that information from most people. If we have desires other than the customary, we probably tend to keep those private. These strategic omissions allow … Read More