The eros of the psyche does NOT limit its power to assumed roles of dominant and submissive. It moves within an individual and also moves from one living being to another. It’s so vulnerable, it will be tempting to stop because unlike the physical body, the psyche has no physical limits. That’s how out of control it feels. Read More
Why would I say there is unreasonable respect for old relationship beliefs?
At a party, a woman lamented that she had to divide all her assets twice in two divorces. She said the next time she gets married, the man will have more stuff than her. When three people asked why she would get married again, she replied in a circular way, “I’m just the marrying type.” And the conversation ended since there seemed no point. If someone answered the question, why do you … Read More
Why are foolish men blocking abortion? Foolish men that think they can control women, they only tyrannize. Even those unfortunate ones who, do to circumstances or a manufactured torpidity, succumb to your … Read More
A great deal of confused sexual ideals and misunderstanding exists around relationships and what we want. This topic is meaningful to both joy … Read More
Share the love while you can, without holding back. One day we will not be able to shareit and then it’s too late. Use intelligence to make loving harmless.
The desire to know and share what’s true, to share what’s best in life, to love wholly without restraint, to live intensely! These values did not arise … Read More
Monogamy is a possessive ideology. It presumes to predict the future and often fails. Monogamy becomes a prison for affections and often kills the love that … Read More
Some of us look upon sexual relationship evolution with a fear or envy. Most of our grandparents would look upon our sexual relations today with disapproval, yet they passed … Read More
In the west the propaganda of religion is probably not as pervasive as are the songs, representations, and symbolism about love. We know how different religious … Read More
Once again the inimitable John Oliver exposes the weakness of American abstinance sex eduducation and with humor at the end, offers his own sex … Read More
“Stealthing,” the fact that there is an online comunity encouraging such behavior suggests to me complisity in a crime. Stealthing is non-consensual sex and is potentially fatal.
Intimate relationships and love ideals are a touchy topic anywhere, but the consequences of marriage, relationship breakups, and vengeance for rejection should make … Read More
Excerpt: “…To be unaware of how we conceive intimate relationship leads to treating our questionable beliefs as fact. Let’s look at some problems and then … Read More
Youth Suicide; more educated young people kill themselves in India, why? Todd Vickers looks at one part of the problem, the stifling of sexuality to conform with … Read More
Understanding relationships means understanding pain. This is vital if we wish to bring relief to useless suffering. To reduce useless pain is Read More
Let’s start leaving dead relationships. Some people hold love hostage. Hiding behind a mask, they threaten to kill love if another doesn’t submit … Read More
Since the January 21st Woman’s March, I’ve seen a lot of slut shaming on social networks.
Memes with scantily clad celebrities who might hold views on non sexual issues like the scientific consensus on climate change or the US accepting … Read More
I use the phrase ‘friendly sex’ because the term ‘casual sex‘ is cliché, and leads to confusion. I suggest a lovers friendship in consenting pleasure is better when we … Read More
My ever changing sexuality really began as a teen, I grew my sexual legs in a free love community of spiritual seekers, my views of this ever changing sexuality are quite non-traditional. I know the world is … Read More
Imagination is risky when we fill in the unknown. Below is an ancient story I use as a relationship allegory that exposes the mistake of thinking we know … Read More
The reason to scrutinize religion is because religion can be terribly harmful. The example and it is not unique. The irrational fear that some religion … Read More
If we’ve felt great pain in past relationships, we probably have some strong beliefs or biased love based on those impressions. How can we go … Read More
We cannot be convicted of abusing a lovers empathy with our self-created misery but we can still be guilty. Our ability to feel what we think is one of our conceptual powers. The mind … Read More
We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We … Read More
Our desire, our aspiration for a better life is beautiful. It makes us bold and willing to risk and with risk comes both failure and discovery, both have their own … Read More
The cheating liar may or may not believe in monogamy, but they have the merit of seeing possibilities beyond monogamy. Their desire exists beyond … Read More
Sex is not merely physical pleasure, there’s a wonder, like that of a child seeing a butterfly alight on their outstretched hand, or being barefoot in a creek, with mud in … Read More
It’s so easy to thoughtlessly shoot off a text or email in a digital world. But we can’t see the others face, their anger, their tears or misunderstanding so we have no … Read More
The honesty facade is real honesty; it’s a rigorously honest description, but it also hides something that is factually true. I devoted a whole … Read More
How many of our sexual beliefs result from conforming to or rebelling against arbitrary, indirect and unrelated suggestions? Things like a belief or a product that our sexuality could easily exist without.
If we learned we should achieve something through sex, other than the instinctive joy, then we learned sex is a means to an end. Even sex to have children, is sex as … Read More
The tertiary benefits of open sexuality might easily be forgotten. The intensity of emotion that may, at times, needlessly drain into drama or fictional fears can also give vitality … Read More
Would you like to see some different views that challenge beliefs about sex? We’ve got articles, videos, slide shows and memes you can peruse, contemplate, share and comment about. Consider a four part series … Read More
We risk losing some opportunities telling the truth. Regardless, the growth of a seed in a consciously sewn garden is not retarded by noxious weeds and briers overtaking the blossoms and … Read More
This brief video looks at one of the mistaken value judgments hidden in the deceit of cheating.
A lie debases our longing for more joy and pollutes our morality. When we habitually use affections, including sexuality as a means, we forget those affections are something that makes life worth living, simply by themselves. This includes sexual affection for more than one other.
Let’s welcome sexuality in honesty.
Affections for their own sake is one of the things that make life worthwhile. Let’s not pretend sexual affection is unimportant when it is.
The impulse to a more relaxed and open sexuality is not merely instinctive, but also moral. We see this (re)emerging morality* in conflict with … Read More
“Our powers of conception come with a risk. Again, we use thought like paint on the canvas of our minds, using our fears and wants as the brushes. We … Read More
Probably the best way to illustrate what I’m doing with this art is to criticize it. One of the strongest objections to these paintings, they are all negative. They show problems, not solutions. Even the title of the show is negative – Love instead of . . .
Think of the transformation of sexual relations since the Victorian era. Each change had to be tried by a minority of people, perhaps there were many … Read More
If we were born elsewhere or in another time, we would have different beliefs including beliefs about sex. We have no obligation to cling to beliefs when … Read More
Before considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being … Read More
Distinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. … Read More
Sex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises … Read More
Every time someone cheats, every monogamous person who doesn’t consider purchased or oral sex and so on to be cheating, we have reason to question monogamy.
Our difficulty with sexual relationships may not be a defect in ourselves or others but rather a problem born of our unquestioned beliefs. Watch the short video and then ask … Read More
Here is a video I recently made in India. Ashwini asked about sexual obsession. In India obsession sometimes leads to acid attacks. If you like the video, check out our other clips and subscribe.
“The question we’re considering here – How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall … Read More
“We miss higher values if we habitually (unconsciously) judge according to goals. A dear friend, who I will call Gregg, described meeting a young woman. On the couch, their honesty orbited sex. Her beauty induced … Read More
I recently shared food with two women who both cheated on past lovers and felt pain about their conduct. Both now live candidly in non-monogamous circumstances and feel better for the change. I know non-monogamous men who feel the same way. These people … Read More
We can’t pick her out of a crowd, she who lives in secret. As the eyes of her teachers stabbed with disapproval, she learned to show what they would not condemn. And sometimes her sisters were as mean. She … Read More
According to my friend, George, the American proverb that “even blind pigs can find an occasional acorn” is understated in Cambodia. “The ‘Kingdom Of Wonder’ – as Cambodia is advertised by the tourism board – is a haven for sex-pats. Easy immigration policies let foreigners stay for extended periods. A phrase repeated around the capital is ‘The older and uglier you … Read More
When art conforms to our ideals of beauty, we call it beautiful. We go beyond our present categories when we ask, ‘can anything beautiful exist beyond my ideas about beauty?’ I answer, YES!
Art throughout history shows immense variance … Read More
In my research, I interrogate orthodox feminist concepts, such as patriarchy, objectification, gender power differentials, mating systems and psychosexual differences using humour and evolutionary explanatory models such as sexual selection, parental investment theory, mutual mate … Read More
The benefits of plural and open sexual friendships cannot be measured nor should the benefits be underestimated. Consider how often commercials and political propaganda invoke our sexual instincts. A chicken broods on a wooden egg and our instincts … Read More
The talk “Polyamory Without Pathos” at Saguaro Man went well. Such a deep subject is impossible to delve into properly in just an hour. Below, I will broach several points mentioned during … Read More
We’re off to Saguaro Man tomorrow. Seven pieces of Todd’s art will be on exhibit called Poly Follies at Center Camp. He will be doing a talk Saturday at Noon called Polyamory … Read More
If you take the prediction and control out of commitment, what is left?
Moreover, every disappointed commitment is built on a set of justifications that failed. Before you buy another bag of magic beans, why not … Read More
“The word excessive means something when talking of salt, sex or any experience. Even water will kill you if you drink too much. When we believe some experience … Read More
Mistaking means for ends in love is one of the worst and common mistakes. What we learned about love often makes our love pretentious, an insane dream-world that murders affection. A commitment necessarily views people as means to some goal. Anything that … Read More
The way we learn to judge our sex partners is questionable. We see our bias whenever ideal partnerships break up in spite of what seems the best of circumstances. Often we mistake means for ends. In American culture, we typically … Read More
Concening sexual idealism, I discuss with my beloved Sharon various topics, including sex, the morning news and our plans for the day. One day our conversation turned to the free love of the 1960s. A postmortem on … Read More
Todd Vickers published The Relevance of Kabir at Smashwords. This eBook will soon be available at your favorite stores like Amazon, Barns & Noble and more. If you would like a free review copy, go … Read More
How about a cougar awareness month, or better, let’s have a cougar awareness life! Yes, these women can do many other things too, but do not marginalize the loving. In a world with so much mature and harmless … Read More
How many beliefs about love are worth their upkeep and defense? Many beliefs rest on circumstances that must change, after all, that is what circumstances do. When we seek particular ‘results’ we turn our lovers into a means … Read More
May you all have joyous titillation and sweetest affection this holiday season. Be your delights mild our wild, may your toes curl and your mind fall silent in ecstasy.
How to find your passion? If we remove what is lewd from the definition of lust, we get a fire of passion! Let’s stoke this fire, as hot as we like. Let us warm the whole … Read More
What is commitment? If we say it is dedication to a cause or activity remember another person is not an idea or something we do. When humans became domesticatedRead More
If we define slut in a denigrating way. Slut meaning to imagine a woman is outside of the custom sexually. We suffer from lousy reasoning. See what the professor has to say about it.
A wonderful short documentary about the Bonobo Ape. This make love not war, sex for joy sake creature, raises a question about ourselves. Not that we should live in trees. Though I’m … Read More
I saw her in the temple, the same space that would be intentionally reduced to ashes in just a few hours. She was as nude as the day she first … Read More
The honor we pay to fictional ideas about love and sex is simply customary, like the undeserved deference our ancestors felt they must pay to king and clergy. These ideas, even when false, have real power. Some of our forebears undoubtedly believed in the truth, importance and obligation … Read More
We are creatures capable of amazing altered states that we enjoy. We find our way to discovering what those things are. We can even help others to have that excitement. But lets remember, what ever your consensual thing may be, a little humor can do us a lot of good.
Q: You felt it necessary to be anonymous for this interview. I think it says something about our so-called freedom of speech. Why do you feel the need to be anonymous?
Many non-traditional folks carry conclusions that seem to rest on bias left over from tradition. For example, in a recent piece, Louisa Leontiades discussed applying the lessons of open relationships to monogamous relationships. I agree with her about many things, … Read More
In sexual relationships, consider the anguish of those that try everything they learned to do in order to succeed and still suffer. People often attempt what their contemporaries and therapists suggest, to create lasting relationships. Regardless of the … Read More
I am not saying that all casual sex is loving any more than I would say the same about all marriages. Our society’s blind spots around sex are worse because we tend to trust customs and support … Read More
Why are we afraid to have sex with friends? We fear to fall from the heights of affection, and we have probably witnessed this happen. The reason for this fall is we start thinking in terms of expectations, we … Read More
If you are wise and find it unacceptable when truth opposes a craving, you understand “integrity” serves no purpose unless it achieves our desire. Doubtless, some “square” will tell us this pragmatic approach supposes we don’t need to adapt to facts of life. … Read More
Is jealousy natural? Cancer is natural, and so is our appendix. Is jealousy instinctive? Even if we assume it so, our ability to adapt beyond genetic limits is also natural. But anthropology gives us many examples of human sexuality beyond monogamy. Perhaps many … Read More
Sexual Generosity goes beyond kindness and tolerance. Generosity seeks to improve the condition of others regardless of any return. Sexual generosity must include a far-reaching notion… that the joy of another is not a threat.
We distort our capacity to love others with reference to an imaginary future. We see ourselves in this story and believe we know what love will do for us. We use emotion to force others to do what they “should”; what we … Read More
Our society suffers an epidemic of people seeking their own ends at the expense of others. Do not exclude the everyday folks outside of public view. Workaday people can make decisions or carry out boardroom choices that harm. … Read More
We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this kindness or corrupt it. In a situation with more than one lover, the gravity of this subject increases.
Our desire to be truthful is a real merit but we must avoid the honesty facade. Sometimes coercive motivations hide behind being honest. What is power? It is the ability to make people do what they would not do otherwise. We do not need power to make people do what they want.
Should we keep from imposing our “honesty” when our lover’s are in the midst of joy with others? Let us be extremely honest with ourselves first. Are we frightened by our lovers eyes shining like lanterns while looking upon another or does a problem (something harmful) really exist? For some of us this question is very difficult.
As a kindness the least that we can do is not automatically speak, especially if we believe we must justify ourselves by some abstract principle or enforce some arbitrary limit. Can we let others have the ecstasy we probably want for ourselves? How many sweet moments, both in or out of bed, do people interrupt wanting to “share” a feeling when they are really just imposing? We humans are events in nature and like the whether; we are a part of the environment others must deal with.
Unlike the weather we can rain on a celebration when it suits us, even compel others to seek shelter from the storm.
If we have an unpleasant feeling, that does not make the circumstances wrong. We can induce discomfort in ourselves and others with unfounded beliefs. Many bigots indeed feel uncomfortable when they come across racially mixed lovers. When we have an idea of the way things “should be” and treat all else as something wrong, we assume infallible judgment. This is not so unlike the racist. The issue here is prejudice provoking our emotions, not the differences between varieties of narrow-mindedness. When the world transgresses our expectations, it does not mean the world is, wrong.
[Beware] …of an idea abstracted from the concretes of experience and then used to oppose and negate what it was abstracted from… The ‘sentimentalist fallacy’ is to shed tears over abstract justice and generosity, beauty, etc., and never to know these qualities when you meet them in the street, because the circumstances make them vulgar.
William James
Most of us do not have the opportunity to live in ideal circumstances, but that does not negate the discovery of something outside of our expectations. Sometimes what we find is not just unexpected, but worthwhile, even life changing, like varieties of love existing beyond our previous understanding. Our creation of the opportunities for intimate discovery are less important than our avoidance of unconsciously destroying those possibilities.
By Todd Vickers
Please consider supporting this website with a donation, at the bottom of page.
I want to talk about identity as perhaps the most important and often overlooked part of going beyond jealousy. Let us ask “who” gets jealous. If we will look at our own self-concept, the questions around this destructive … Read More
At times, the wonders of curvy women seem overlooked. This regrettable fad harms both men and women and I hope my experience will help open some minds. However, stating any attraction to women involves sexist hazards, booby traps if you … Read More
A man risks the accusation, sometimes correctly, of objectifying women when discussing either sexual joy or desire. Male shaming may occur even if the … Read More
At twenty five I had yet to experience an orgasm try as I might with a willing partner. I was fed up with wondering what the big fuss was about sex. I … Read More
The first time I ever saw a cathartic orgasm I was quite concerned. Should I ring the ambulance or hope it passes? ‘Cathartic orgasm’, by the way, is a phrase I coined to describe orgasms that have the same signs and symptoms as shock – light-headed-ness or a feeling of passing out, restlessness, … Read More
Not everyone who is not monogamous has the temperament for open relationships. Yet, many have a disposition for deceit, those who are pretending to the custom. I support responsible open sexuality and do not mean to discourage this … Read More
“Women are often treated badly when something wild becomes public. Look through the telescope revealing that custom isn’t the center of the universe. If you … Read More
When we believe the “right” relationship will secure good circumstances, we assume we know today what this bond should look like in the future. When … Read More
We are double-dealing with body pleasures if we speak of them in dreadful tones. We take risks with sex but the same is true of driving. Let us disapprove of recklessness, not varieties of joy rendered safe through intelligence. When … Read More
Women are touchy about this issue. Though men have body concept problems I think women learn to judge their bodies by a much harsher standard than men. … Read More
The concept of normal people. If we have little or no interest in sex we may withhold that information from most people. If we have desires other than the customary, we probably tend to keep those private. These strategic … Read More
