Discover the truth about non-monogamy and why it’s not the morally equivalent to monogamy in this eye-opening video! Possessiveness, and non-possessiveness are opposites! You may enjoy reading The Polyamorous Caravan 2 Excerpt: “Many non-traditional folks carry conclusions that seem to rest on bias left over from tradition… I explain how such ideas are a superstitions relationship mythology.” Read More
Pleasure for its own sake becomes a part of a life well lived. Pleasure and or experience is valuable even if it leads to nothing beyond that event itself. Read More
A true story of sexual women in one retirement community and a sex positive reflection on the reality of desire. Our instinctive joys belong to life not to expectations and certainly not traditions. Excerpt from: The Paradox of Self Realization Read More
Mark had a hard time meeting women but he found his will and courage, dared to risk and a woman accepted his invitation. This is an alternate view for incels that bypasses manipulative pick up tactics and the Andrew Tate chauvinistic, tough guy shtick. Read More
The eros of the psyche does NOT limit its power to assumed roles of dominant and submissive. It moves within an individual and also moves from one living being to another. It’s so vulnerable, it will be tempting to stop because unlike the physical body, the psyche has no physical limits. That’s how out of control it feels. Read More
Why would I say there is unreasonable respect for old relationship beliefs? At a party, a woman lamented that she had to divide all her assets twice in two divorces. She said the next time she gets married, the man will have more stuff than her. When three people asked why she would get married again, she replied in a circular way, “I’m just the marrying type.” And the conversation ended since there seemed no point. If someone answered the question, why do you repeatedly… Read More
Why are foolish men blocking abortion? Foolish men that think they can control women, they only tyrannize. Even those unfortunate ones who, do to circumstances or a manufactured torpidity, succumb to your sexual foot-binding, they circumvent your power every time they lie. It’s easy to support the beliefs of the self satisfied. A little flattery and parroting your beliefs and you’re convinced. Unthinking fools! Do you not see those Catholic School girls who take up a collection for a friend that is “in trouble?” You’re… Read More
A great deal of confused sexual ideals and misunderstanding exists around relationships and what we want. This topic is meaningful to both joy and misery. It’s not that articles about how to achieve ideals are uncommon, it’s understanding and questioning the ideals themselves that is uncommon. What I mean by confused sexual ideals is we use the word ideal in three utterly different ways. If we are clear about how the word is being used, we can avoid costly and painful misunderstandings. The first meaning… Read More
I am seventy-one but I discovered my orgasm at twenty-five and enjoyed a great deal of orgasmic sex in the years after; until I experienced what I shall describe as a time of sexual hibernation. Thankfully, I went on to re-emerge from that hibernation, and I want to share my experience of a new sexual blossoming in what are my twilight years. I’ll begin my insight into sexual experiences with a question: Why reach for a more conscious sexuality? The actuality is that we either… Read More
Now you can help BED (Bureau of Erotic Discourse) by contributing and sharing on social networks. Wear our buttons with pride! Help BED spread the word and raise funds to educate as many burners as possible about a sex positive culture of consent. Join our fundraising efforts and help make this year the most fun and safe burn ever. Got ideas that will make our project work better? Contact us! Read More
Share the love while you can, without holding back. One day we will not be able to shareit and then it’s too late. Use intelligence to make loving harmless.
The desire to know and share what’s true, to share what’s best in life, to love wholly without restraint, to live intensely! These values did not arise in me out of virtue, oh no! They BEGAN to clarify because of loss. My most beloved, died when I was nine. The tears that I feared would never end washed the dust from a jewel. Why should I fear to tell the truth, or a broken heart? I already know l will lose you, THIS is the… Read More
Monogamy is a possessive ideology. It presumes to predict the future and often fails. Monogamy becomes a prison for affections and often kills the love that it hoped to protect. In many cases, monogamy is a maladaptation imposed by culturally redundant hypnotic manipulations. When we are actually living in a world where many people live outside of monogamy (honestly or not,) then let’s meet that fact truthfully and adapt to the world the way it is. Polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy exemplify our… Read More
We live in a highly sexual culture that also idolizes utility (i.e., a means to an end). We tend to value things only based on what they lead to in the future. This commerce morality often mistakes the means for the end and, therefore, misses the end. To judge joy and sexual affection as a means is a degradation. We cannot judge the end by the same standards as the means because ends lead to nothing else. The immediate and transitory nature of Burning Man… Read More
Some of us look upon sexual relationship evolution with a fear or envy. Most of our grandparents would look upon our sexual relations today with disapproval, yet they passed on to us the genetic tendency to adapt. Today sexual relations are more fair then they were in the past, particularly for women, in spite of the need for more improvement. The sexual freedoms we enjoy today did not result from conformity, but from minorities that dared to try new things. We owe gratitude to those… Read More
The Bureau of Erotic Discourse seeks new ideas for the coveted pins to give away at Burning Man this year. Please offer your new button content suggestions in the comment section of this page below the images and up vote the content you would most like to see. Bureau of Erotic Discourse Buttons Read More
Five reasons ‘Couple privilege’ doesn’t exist By Lola Phoenix: Lola is a non-binary queer future best selling sci-fi/fantasy novelist in her late twenties. I’ve seen this concept floating around for a long time and I’ve always not really agreed with it or liked it, but it’s taken me awhile to sit down and explain my problem with this concept, why I think it’s inaccurate and what else should be used to describe some of what people usually use ‘ couple privilege ’ to describe. Reason 1:… Read More
I dispute monogamy and I hope that my monogamous brothers and sisters understand that it is not just the failures of monogamy that provoke the contempt, ever perceptible in my writing. The world is imperfect and I accept the imperfections of society, yet I do not condone bad ideals or a society that refuses to realize the good ideals it possesses. We are always free to choose monogamy. Elsewhere I’ve published five very different reasons to question monogamy. I state plainly here that monogamy is a… Read More
In the west the propaganda of religion is probably not as pervasive as are the songs, representations, and symbolism about love. We know how different religious influences change the interpretation of a fact. Now consider how everyone is a philosopher about love over coffee, but most people, do not want their love philosophies scrutinized. Most love philosophies are not concerned with the truth, but with a means to some other end. Our beliefs change what we see, it is a weakness of the immense conceptual power… Read More
Love like water. Instead of saying we have different kinds of love, such as, one kind for friends, another for family, and another then lovers. I ask, what if we have only one love that takes different forms, like the way water conforms itself to the present situation? If love like water resonates with you, rather than trying to pour our love into containers shaped like our ideals that assume what love should be. Instead, I suggest, we hold standards of harm that tell us… Read More
Once again the inimitable John Oliver exposes the weakness of American abstinance sex eduducation and with humor at the end, offers his own sex education video. Watch and enjoy. Photo of John Oliver By TechCrunch – The 7th Annual Crunchies Awards on February 10, 2014 in San Francisco, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=45899540 Read More
I want to respect the trial and error of a sexually daring woman who is now dead, and expose the all too common error for the sake of others. This writing is not merely a eulogy for a sexually daring woman whom I will refer to by her first name, these words are more than a remembrance for a sexual rebel. Her life touched me deeply and offers a lesson, a gift for those people still living. I speak of the unnecessary degradation of a… Read More
“Stealthing,” the fact that there is an online comunity encouraging such behavior suggests to me complisity in a crime. Stealthing is non-consensual sex and is potentially fatal. A new study explores the phenomenon of “stealthing” ― the purposefully nonconsensual removal of condoms during sex ― and how those who fall victim to the practice can move forward. The study, written by Alexandra Brodsky for the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law, features interviews with victims of stealthing. Brodsky also does a deep dive into the online world… Read More
In the video Choose Pussy over Pain, Cidney Green shares a profound grasp of the obvious and lives it in the flesh. A critique of being offended by nudity but viral sharing of real violence like fight videos and cops shooting unarmed people. May you be a light unto us all Cidney. Thank you. https://vimeo.com/213723715 Read More
Intimate relationships and love ideals are a touchy topic anywhere, but the consequences of marriage, relationship breakups, and vengeance for rejection should make us willing to scrutinize our beliefs. Ideals should not blind us to facts. In some countries, divorce is almost impossible due to the force of custom, but custom itself does not make any belief true. Love ideals tend to hide when the ideals are merely self-serving and when they, in fact, don’t serve us We forget concepts are mental and treat love… Read More
Wonder in a beautiful life | Todd Vickers via Vivriti.org “1. There can be no surprise without discovery. Discovery is like a free fall; a new understanding of something previously taken for granted; a surprise affection, something beautiful or new knowledge. With discovery we are thrust into the moment. The experience is vitalizing, it awakens our senses. Think of a child who first sees a butterfly, they chase it, its colors are so beautiful, it’s dance is so erratic. We can envision the child laughing… Read More
Excerpt: “…To be unaware of how we conceive intimate relationship leads to treating our questionable beliefs as fact. Let’s look at some problems and then solutions. Don’t become cynical in intimate relationship. Find those people who value the truth. On one hand, the hope for something better drives human discovery; meaning trial and error. On the other, unrealistic expectations suck the life out of our love. We can’t ignore the valuable experience of the past. But if we mistake our beliefs as evidence about ourselves,… Read More
Youth Suicide; more educated young people kill themselves in India, why? Todd Vickers looks at one part of the problem, the stifling of sexuality to conform with tradition. Remember the problem is youth suicide, not the emotional discomfort of those who adhere to a custom. Let’s keep the priorities straight. “The truthfulness needed may go far beyond what our parents ever imagined. Every human advance today came about as an alternative to what went before, that process of advance is still ongoing. The conventional mind feels certainty… Read More
What is sex power? It’s no trivial fact that almost every human being you meet longs for sexual joy, and those who understand that fact have power. Unfortunately, shame, possessive-ness, questionable beliefs and the tendency to use people as a means place sex power in the hands of advertisers, religion, and people who are willing to take advantage or deceive. Our instinctive joy gets repeatedly associated with products like food or deodorant. To take back the usurped sex power requires more than talk, it requires risking an innovation, an… Read More
“How to find new life? You follow the impulses toward a better life, even when it’s hard. That is what I do, and it’s not easy but the alternative is a prison of routine and amusement seeking to avoid feeling dead. Remember the sprout struggles out of the seed. The chick struggles out of the shell, the bud struggles to open, the fledgling struggles on the edge of the nest, for the sky beckons. I’m sure it’s terrifying, those wings have never had the chance… Read More
Understanding relationships means understanding pain. This is vital if we wish to bring relief to useless suffering. To reduce useless pain is nurturing to love. But what does that actually mean? Understand two sources of suffering. One source is fact based, some event like a toothache, the loss of someone loved, an abuse etc. The other suffering our mind generates, we make stuff up and believe it, like the real fear created when imagining you’ve lost your wallet when you’ve put it in another pocket and… Read More
Anyone involved in slut shaming does not want girls to have freedom, to wear whatever they want, to like whoever they like (including boys), to speak boldly etc., whatever excuse these ‘perhaps’ well-meaning people offer, they indulge in power over girls when they use shame. This shame is an abuse. We can train a cat to fear a mouse by shocking it with loud noise when we expose it to a mouse. A cat becomes conditioned to expect the shock and fear, it learns to run away from a mouse when it sees one…. Read More
How to improve our love? First let’s begin with a short alagory to set the tone ‘When born into a den of thieves, a Buddha learns to steal.’ We’re born into a Machiavellian world of love songs, stories, religion, ads, movies, half-truths and falsehoods about love. How to improve our love after we’ve tasted so much failure? If there were no creativity in love, we would be loving like our ancestors. When expectations arise from the past, the pain of any flawed beliefs we must… Read More
What is Freedom A donkey chooses to pursue a carrot dangled in front of its face and thereby pulls the farmers cart. That isn’t what we mean by freedom. The donkeys choice is constrained by bondage. The denial of alternatives let’s us know it is something far less than freedom…. Read more at Vivriti.org Read More
We want love. Many of us will say that it’s one of the most important things in our lives. Love wants to live! When we distinguish what we see in relationships from our sentiment ABOUT relationships, it seems that a great deal of what passes for love rests on fear: practical fears, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. People confuse agreeable circumstances with love. We like sex, money, amusements, and leisure. Those things are worth having, but they are not love. Sometimes, people… Read More
Why aren’t we renouncing loves limits? “Who do you know who does not place a boundary around his love? We are afraid others will use us and that our desire for love makes us foolish. In deference to this fear, we try to be smart and use others in the name of love for our own ends. We become what we fear and keep things hidden from our mates, especially the secrets that…” Read more at Vivriti.org Read More
Let’s start leaving dead relationships. Some people hold love hostage. Hiding behind a mask, they threaten to kill love if another doesn’t submit to spoken or unspoken demands. Sometimes a piece of love is cut off, a warning, just to prove that they are serious. Only the mind perpetrates such terrorism, mind with its boundless expectations. Such people will never set love free. Any love that once was alive will probably be killed. Regardless, such a relationship might continue to last, even for a lifetime…. Read More
Since the January 21st Woman’s March, I’ve seen a lot of slut shaming on social networks. Memes with scantily clad celebrities who might hold views on non sexual issues like the scientific consensus on climate change or the US accepting of political refugees. They may also state opinions on the right to comprehensive sex education, birth control, and legal abortion. Such women in the limelight were often also insisting on defending sexual consent after the ‘grab em by the pussy’ scandal with Donald Trump. Such… Read More
I use the phrase ‘friendly sex’ because the term ‘casual sex‘ is cliché, and leads to confusion. I suggest a lovers friendship in consenting pleasure is better when we include higher qualities in the affection. These qualities are not a function of time, they can happen quickly, slowly, or not at all. More on this later. Such love exists outside of what many of us know from past experiences. Lack of experience limits our understanding – but NOT our capacity. We often hear love reduced to an stratagy for… Read More
My ever changing sexuality really began as a teen, I grew my sexual legs in a free love community of spiritual seekers, my views of this ever changing sexuality are quite non-traditional. I know the world is far bigger than many people imagine it and that we need not be drugged to break out and experience it. That big world requires intelligence and extreme truthfulness to be harmless in the midst of changing sexuality. Some risk we can’t avoid, like handling food, if we’re not careless,… Read More
Imagination is risky when we fill in the unknown. Below is an ancient story I use as a relationship allegory that exposes the mistake of thinking we know when we don’t. “A man awakened before the sunrise. He decided to walk the path to work in the forest along the river in the dark. He walked the same path for years and he believed he knew it well enough to imagine the path in his mind as he walked. He began walking and it was beautiful listening to the river… Read More
The reason to scrutinize religion is because religion can be terribly harmful. The example and it is not unique. The irrational fear that some religion instills around sex harms countless people. “A Christian doctor removed my clitoris when I was three years old as a ‘cure’ for masturbation, writes Renee Bergstrom”… Read more at The Guardian Read More
If we’ve felt great pain in past relationships, we probably have some strong beliefs or biased love based on those impressions. How can we go beyond our past conclusions in new circumstances? If we believe ‘this’ about women and ‘that’ about men, the real events around us we see through those beliefs like a colored lens. If we don’t understand ‘my side bias,’ we won’t know when we create our own evidence e.g. questionable matters seem proof of past conclusions. Such beliefs often continue when contrary facts prove the beliefs flawed… Read More
First Person Convicted Of “Revenge Porn” In Oregon Gets Jail Sentence “A 31-year-old Oregon man is going to jail for six months for revenge porn after he published sexual videos of an ex online. He’s the first person in the state convicted and sentenced for “revenge porn.” … Read more. Revenge porn is in part why I wrote. What we’ll do when we’re ‘turned on.’ Read More
When discussing heightened sexual states and what we’ll do when we feel turned on, let’s look at sex as something like the ocean or like weather, something both powerful and in continuous flux. Sex does not exist to serve our expectations or beliefs but is simply a part of life. If good fortune allows us the opportunity to experience harmless sexual delights, let us feel gratitude. Let’s remember for some of our human family, sexual joy is truly difficult. My heart aches for these people…. Read More
Originally published at The Huffington Post 11/09/2016 “…we must hold each other as we piece ourselves back together, as we remember who we are ― who we have always been ― and remember what we have stared down and refused to give in to before. Remember what we and those who came before us have overcome, together, for hundreds and hundreds of cold, dark years. We must, perhaps more than any time before now, be exactly who we are, not by denying our fears, but by… Read More
At the age of nine, the death of my beloved sister before she turned twenty taught me something about relationships and this lesson extends to sexual relationships, don’t miss love. What we grieve for in loss is not what the people did for us or helped us to accomplish. We grieve the irreplaceable affections we shared. Don’t miss love. This love has a value unto itself as a part of a good life and, speaking for myself, to imagine a life without such love immediately degrades… Read More
We cannot be convicted of abusing a lovers empathy with our self-created misery but we can still be guilty. Our ability to feel what we think is one of our conceptual powers. The mind does not communicate to the body in language but instead uses impulses. Those impulses cause real feeling. If we are unaware that we can generate any feeling including misery, it is likely that we impose those intense feelings on others. We not only abuse lovers empathy, we may even flatter ourselves for sharing… Read More
Enjoy the video below of Norway sex education. America on the whole, can’t deal directly with the facts of the sex as an issue. Such a video would be impossible in many states. We force children to learn about sex through ignorant friends or unrealistic pornography. If we consider how low the abortion rate is in Norway, then even the religious moralists would have good reason to support similar comprehensive sex education. Read More
By Todd Vickers We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this kindness or corrupt it. In a situation with more than one lover, the gravity of this subject increases. Our desire for truthfulness is a real merit… Read More
Our desire, our aspiration for a better life is beautiful. It makes us bold and willing to risk and with risk comes both failure and discovery, both have their own value. We can’t be to often reminded that humans learn in three ways; imitation, repetition, and discovery. Each way of learning about ourselves and the world has its own value but only one has the possibility of leading to something better beyond the limits of the past. Monkey see, monkey do makes it possible to avoid… Read More
The cheating liar may or may not believe in monogamy, but they have the merit of seeing possibilities beyond monogamy. Their desire exists beyond the boundaries of their beliefs or pretense. The cheaters lip service to monogamy becomes a degradation of sexual affection outside of monogamy. Someone who lies for the sake of having lovers tries to manage other people’s affections. A lie may produce many results far beyond what we wanted or imagined. A momentary gain may bring a terrible loss. Deceit is a… Read More
By Todd Vickers Politics and sex can exist apart but those interested in sex should heed the 2016 election results. Since we shouldn’t rely on reforms in a conservative political environment, any change becomes a social not a political responsibility. The reasoning offered here also applies to issues beyond sexuality. Before talking about conscious social change let’s take a broad overview. Any minority existing outside the status quo is stifled in a conservative environment. I’ll mention some relevant sexual issues, if you are interested in sex education, polyamory, LGBTQ, sex… Read More
If we deny opportunities to love because we can’t conceive living beyond monogamy, we may, among other things, be suffering envy. The idea that we cannot have something tempts us to say it’s ‘not worth having.’ This is often envy hiding behind a prejudice. Nobody but the person themself can confirm such envy and that takes a great deal of honesty. Life by chance offers us opportunities to love. The idea that we must sacrifice one love to love another is foolish and worse when… Read More
Sex is not merely physical pleasure, there’s a wonder, like that of a child seeing a butterfly alight on their outstretched hand, or being barefoot in a creek, with mud in our toes, holding a crayfish, fearing it might pinch. A little clumsiness may bring tears, smiles or uproarious laughter. We lost ourselves in what we were doing. By Todd Vickers This website devotes itself to progressive views about sex you won’t see anywhere else. Take a few minutes, read some articles, and share what touches you…. Read More
It’s so easy to thoughtlessly shoot off a text or email in a digital world. But we can’t see the others face, their anger, their tears or misunderstanding so we have no real sense of how we are affecting them. Our vindictiveness may tempt us to go further than we would if our empathy engaged someone in person. Moreover, it takes far more courage to speak to a persons face then to type out text. The meaning of our words change in different situations. If a man runs around a… Read More
The honesty facade is real honesty; it’s a rigorously honest description, but it also hides something that is factually true. I devoted a whole chapter to this topic in one of my earlier works. For the sake of brevity I will state the problem. Think of a child in a night terror. That child is in the throes of instinctive impulses based on a monster under the bed that he or she really conceives to exist and that terror necessarily becomes the preoccupation of others… Read More
By Todd Vickers How can we say ‘yes’ to life and not be attached to the people, things, events and outcomes. Non attachment is a vague notion that wrongly suggests that we could be attached in the first place. Even our own body changes happen outside of our control and every particle in the body is different from what it was a moment before. ‘Our’ livers, as important as they are, do not consult us about their job, much less the needed symbiotic organisms that live in our gut…. Read More
How many of our sexual beliefs result from conforming to or rebelling against arbitrary, indirect and unrelated suggestions? Things like a belief or a product that our sexuality could easily exist without. Let’s consider letting go of sexual ideals as a compass and let morality be guided by joy and love rendered harmless through reason. How much sexual discovery exists beyond the things we habitually associate with sexuality? Do we allow sexuality to be a life affirmation? Do we want sex as a delightful, living impulse? Most of us… Read More
What Desires Are Politically Important? Bertrand Russell – Nobel Lecture Your Royal Highness, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have chosen this subject for my lecture tonight because I think that most current discussions of politics and political theory take insufficient account of psychology… Read more or listen to audio of the speech at nobelprize.org Tonight I will be posting a new piece about how our sexuality becomes associated with unrelated things. Todd Vickers Read More
If we learned we should achieve something through sex, other than the instinctive joy, then we learned sex is a means to an end. Even sex to have children, is sex as a means, but harmless sex can also be an end, something that is worth doing because its good, even if nothing else comes of it. Let’s not miss that value because we’ve been taught that if sex doesn’t lead to anything else, it is worthless. The brief video infers from anthropology that our hunter gatherer ancestors must… Read More
If you find something of value, you can keep it to yourself, you can share it with a select group, or you can share it publicly. The ideas and controversy brought forward on this blog are unique like the morality of non monogamy, art as a catalyst for questioning sexual beliefs, the emotional coercion hidden in polyamorous expectations and unique contributions from sex positive contributors and sex workers. If you cannot comfortably donate please consider sharing the blog posts, memes and videos that have the most value for you on social… Read More
The tertiary benefits of open sexuality might easily be forgotten. The intensity of emotion that may, at times, needlessly drain into drama or fictional fears can also give vitality to the little tasks of life. We feel our blood pump with the ‘yes’ to a date. The joy of discovery makes for a life well lived and gratitude. When that vigor happens and others are not frightened by it, it becomes contagious joy. Read More
Would you like to see some different views that challenge beliefs about sex? We’ve got articles, videos, slide shows and memes you can peruse, contemplate, share and comment about. Consider a four part series discussing jealousy, or read about cathartic orgasms. What about going beyond rules in polyamory or how different non-monogamous people hold different views? We link to articles of interest and shine a light on controversial questions. The majority of the content is free. Come check it out! Read More
What would you choose, the experience of love being equal in both instances. Love with truth Love without truth If the value is only the feeling then one is not better than the other. Love outside the truth is much more easily attained. Lies are the most commonly used aphrodisiac. But if we value love with truth, we realize that the truth adds something to the whole and the more of it, the better. But what if the truth is our beloved wants to make love to others?… Read More
We risk losing some opportunities telling the truth. Regardless, the growth of a seed in a consciously sewn garden is not retarded by noxious weeds and briers overtaking the blossoms and choking them with shadow. “When we attempt to live consciously without monogamy we don’t solve possessiveness as a problem by adding more lovers to possess. Imposing the expectations left over from monogamy on non-monogamous circumstances seems to me a mistake. If our ideas do not adapt to new circumstances, let’s modify our ideas, not people.” How do we know if monogamy doesn’t suit… Read More
This brief video looks at one of the mistaken value judgments hidden in the deceit of cheating.
A lie debases our longing for more joy and pollutes our morality. When we habitually use affections, including sexuality as a means, we forget those affections are something that makes life worth living, simply by themselves. This includes sexual affection for more than one other.
Let’s welcome sexuality in honesty.
Affections for their own sake is one of the things that make life worthwhile. Let’s not pretend sexual affection is unimportant when it is.
The impulse to a more relaxed and open sexuality is not merely instinctive, but also moral. We see this (re)emerging morality* in conflict with established customs, like the conflict illustrated in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn when Huck contemplated turning in his friend Jim, an escaped slave. All his life, Huck had learned that it was a sin to help a slave escape. He also knew that a reward would be involved in turning Jim in. He even wrote a letter to inform the slave… Read More
What do sex and climate change have in common? Both involve facts we sometimes feel tempted to ignore or alter them to suit our existing ideas. Here is an excerpt from the Elephant Journal article Accepting Polyamory as Natural might help us to Accept Climate Change. {Adult} Sometimes an experience outside of what we know changes our beliefs forever. At the age of 24, my beliefs about sex were upended. In a safe, free-love community experiment, a group of blindfolded men and women met each other silently by touch only. Body to body, I noticed vast… Read More
“Our powers of conception come with a risk. Again, we use thought like paint on the canvas of our minds, using our fears and wants as the brushes. We create and judge not only the future, but, also, an image of our world today. Seekers often surrender this power of the mind to the direction of leaders. However, we no more live in our concepts than a painter can live in a world he fabricated.” Excerpt: The Relevance of Kabir, buy the e-book here Read More
The arguments in favor of sexual freedom rest on similar grounds as freedom of speech. Our love is part of our freedom, whether straight, gay, sapiosexual, one on one, or non monogamous. Recommended reading, as pertinent today as in the past. John Stuart Mill: On Liberty Read More
Painted Polyamory Problems Probably the best way to illustrate what I’m doing with this art is to criticize it. One of the strongest objections to these paintings, they are all negative. They show problems, not solutions. Even the title of the show is negative – Love instead of . . . Against the fact standing above I say that the art is about the beauty of love and open sexuality. And nothing reveals love like its conspicuous absence contrasted with what is so destructive; the habitual… Read More
Author Todd Vickers writes at Elephant Journal and looks critically at slut shaming. The good things around sex often become mixed with a variety of useless pains. My heart weeps at the double messages spoon fed to all of us, especially women. We cannot be reminded too often what culture imposes on our lovers, mothers, sisters, daughters and friends. These maddening attitudes toward sex persist in a mix of admiration and shame, desire blended with disdain. Read More… Read More
Those with influence and interest will try to deny access to rainwater and then either sell it back to us or use it for their own purposes. Sex controlling crowds is an old game through societal norms often born of religion, try to deny or restrict access to sex and then create alternate paths to get access. We become consumers purchasing access in one form or another, directly or vicariously. As with rainwater, the question becomes how to claim harmless sexual joys when we were… Read More
Read the points and the excerpt from The Relevance of Kabir. Let us differentiate the inestimable benefits of accumulated knowledge from the tendency to hold fast to the past out of fear of the unknown. The beliefs we cling to… Read More! Buy the book here. Read More
Think of the transformation of sexual relations since the Victorian era. Each change had to be tried by a minority of people, perhaps there were many failures but slowly we found better ways, more equitable ways, more honest ways of loving. This evolution continues. Read More
If we were born elsewhere or in another time, we would have different beliefs including beliefs about sex. We have no obligation to cling to beliefs when they do not reflect the real events of life. Yes being in the unknown challenges us but believing things that are contrary to the reality is much worse. Instead of torturing our minds explaining our lives by incompatible beliefs, consider changing our beliefs to accommodate more facts. Contribute to this blog if you find it worthwhile. Read More
Before considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being mistreated. We feel uncomfortable at the dentist, but taking care of our teeth is a good thing. A child feels utterly distressed when they want something from the store and the parent says no. That does not make the child a victim in any way. When considering different ways to relate to lovers, any relationship that exists without being… Read More
Sex doesn’t oppose truth. Delusion opposes truth. Delusion is different than having or not having sex. People often withhold the truth and blankly lie about their sexuality. These faults blend with truths, some truth we speak plainly and others we say as a joke. A smokescreen allows us to stay two-faced e.g. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’ Our beliefs around sexuality may be contrary to our body impulses and even our behaviors without us questioning if the belief is false or flawed. This leads to shame as well as confusion. Popular culture… Read More
Distinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. The rebel thinks he or she is both honest and free but in fact the rule is as much the criterion as it is for a conformist. It’s one reason disappointed rebels swing back to being conformists and talk in dire tones about their ‘wild days etc.’ We have impulses that sometimes drive us beyond the boundaries of our beliefs, still… Read More
Sex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises to scare off a demon from eating the sun, that belief was superfluous with the eclipse. How many superfluous beliefs burden our sexuality that, like the eclipse, could exist without them. If we cease to obey unfounded beliefs, the benefits of that freedom comes to us today. If you see a value here then… Read More
The question is not what form the love takes but THAT we love consciously. Love is not a routine and cannot be reduced to a preconceived idea without killing it. Read More
Every time someone cheats, every monogamous person who doesn’t consider purchased or oral sex and so on to be cheating, we have reason to question monogamy. To rest satisfied with faulting people rejects scrutiny of the idea itself. Read 5 reasons to question monogamy. Read More
Our difficulty with sexual relationships may not be a defect in ourselves or others but rather a problem born of our unquestioned beliefs. Watch the short video and then ask your own questions about relationship mythology. Read More
Here is a video I recently made in India. Ashwini asked about sexual obsession. In India obsession sometimes leads to acid attacks. If you like the video, check out our other clips and subscribe. Read More
Todd Vickers writing for Street Articles. “The question we’re considering here – How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall into the trap… ” Read More at Street Articles Read More
Todd Vickers Published at Street Articles Excerpt below “We miss higher values if we habitually (unconsciously) judge according to goals. A dear friend, who I will call Gregg, described meeting a young woman. On the couch, their honesty orbited sex. Her beauty induced his longing, but her unrealistic expectations stopped him. Their evening passed in intimate conversation only. Similar experiences made Gregg consider himself a sexual failure. I know his lovers personally so this conclusion made no sense. He’s a scrupulously honest, non-monogamous man. He… Read More
I recently shared food with two women who both cheated on past lovers and felt pain about their conduct. Both now live candidly in non-monogamous circumstances and feel better for the change. I know non-monogamous men who feel the same way. These people made moral judgements. Let’s not fear making such judgements, after all, we make them constantly when we weigh choices in terms of better or worse. Let any such judgement consciously invite criticism if some contrary fact or reason eludes us in our… Read More
We can’t pick her out of a crowd, she who lives in secret. As the eyes of her teachers stabbed with disapproval, she learned to show what they would not condemn. And sometimes her sisters were as mean. She learned that the living joys within her provoked anger, shame and burning envy. Her desire, her daring, her naked delight, she reveals to those she trusts. And those joyous moments are sometimes mixed with deceit, and betrayal. We see her dressed for work, professional, reserved and qualified. In her costume we cannot see her… Read More
The headline ‘Is monogamy over?’ emblazoned TIME Magazine’s September 21, 2015 issue. Feeling skeptical, I bought it. Its brevity trifled with the subject. Biologist David Barash has suggested that monogamy conflicts with our biology. However, he also states that child care recommends monogamy: “It’s very rare for any species to engage in bi-parental care unless the males are guaranteed that they are genetically related to the offspring – confidence only monogamy can provide.” (1) I must correct Barash, confidence in paternity ONLY comes from a paternity… Read More
According to my friend, George, the American proverb that “even blind pigs can find an occasional acorn” is understated in Cambodia. “The ‘Kingdom Of Wonder’ – as Cambodia is advertised by the tourism board – is a haven for sex-pats. Easy immigration policies let foreigners stay for extended periods. A phrase repeated around the capital is ‘The older and uglier you are, the easier it is to get a woman in Cambodia’ The women seem to understand their ‘target market’. Sometimes the stark difference of an… Read More
When art conforms to our ideals of beauty, we call it beautiful. We go beyond our present categories when we ask, ‘can anything beautiful exist beyond my ideas about beauty?’ I answer, YES! Art throughout history shows immense variance and delightfully proves at least some people dared to go beyond what they learned. Countless attempts at innovation undoubtedly failed. Regardless, once a new form took hold, borne through the innovators bold enough to risk, the form and beauty passed on to future generations through inheritance…. Read More
An understanding through ecstasy. “If we can’t let go of our self, orgasm becomes difficult. In the ecstasy of love, the mental specter of our self becomes unsustainable. We live without a story for a few moments. If we need others to see beyond our ideas of ourselves, then possessiveness haunts us. We become a burden to others and limit our choices by reducing people into nothing more than a means. When we use people, we probably destroy or limit our affections in the process.” Excerpt:… Read More
By Paula Wright Unpoisoning the Well In my research, I interrogate orthodox feminist concepts, such as patriarchy, objectification, gender power differentials, mating systems and psychosexual differences using humour and evolutionary explanatory models such as sexual selection, parental investment theory, mutual mate choice, female choice, signalling theory and perhaps most importantly intrasexual competition. History shows us that whenever our species has ever attempted to take control of biology and bend it out of shape to ideological goals, human tragedy always follows. It’s a lesson we still… Read More
Let’s look at both monogamy and commitment with fresh eyes and consider five reasons to question both cultural ideas. Let’s not oversimplify the deceit exemplified by Ashley Madison. Widespread cheating suggests sexual impulses exist beyond monogamy. Many arguments against freer sexuality provoke fear and even persecution exemplified in slut shaming, honor killings and LGBT harassment. The discovery of trial and error expands our choices. Discovery also exposes our mistakes. For example, discovering what sex will not do liberates us from our imagination. I treat lovers… Read More
The benefits of plural and open sexual friendships cannot be measured nor should the benefits be underestimated. Consider how often commercials and political propaganda invoke our sexual instincts. A chicken broods on a wooden egg and our instincts can also be misguided. When we have friendly sexual connections with consenting adults, sex is less likely a means for power to manipulate us. Why pull a cart chasing a carrot dangled before our face when we have free access to carrots? We are not beasts of burden, and our instincts should not… Read More
Todd’s newest article is now live at Elephant Journal How to Avoid 5 Sexual Pitfalls. The goal here is to see flaws in our beliefs so we need not be punished by facts. Read More
The confrontation between Tony and the man who infected him, to protect others, touches the heart as does the whole article. Recommended Reading… Two hours into our first meeting, I knew that Francisco Segundo Martínez Sosa (Frank) is gay (just looking at him tells you that); is a composer and a writer; was nearly successful at suicide; is the father of two children; and has AIDS. His relationship with the disease is like a marriage: it’s been with him for twenty-four years, the same amount… Read More
A little slide show examining common views about non-monogamy. The sexual revolution has yet to begin. Non Monogamous Instinct from NoShameInSex.Com Read More
The talk “Polyamory Without Pathos” at Saguaro Man went well. Such a deep subject is impossible to delve into properly in just an hour. Below, I will broach several points mentioned during the talk. We talked about what I call ‘tragic fiction,’ which is treating something imagined as real and imposing the emotion induced on others. Such behavior endangers affections. A metaphor for this issue is the story of a man rowing a boat in the early morning mist and colliding with another boat. The… Read More
We’re off to Saguaro Man tomorrow. Seven pieces of Todd’s art will be on exhibit called Poly Follies at Center Camp. He will be doing a talk Saturday at Noon called Polyamory Without Pathos (i.e. tragic fiction) also at Center Camp and giving away some books. Our Camp is called The Temple of Resonance, if your going to be near, drop by for a chat. Will be posting picks of the event. Todd, Chita & Gregg Read More
If you take the prediction and control out of commitment, what is left? Moreover, every disappointed commitment is built on a set of justifications that failed. Before you buy another bag of magic beans, why not meet with us in challenging those beliefs? Check out this website. Subscribe. Make a comment. Criticize an idea. Meet Todd Vickers and see Poly Follies, his artworks displayed at Saguaro Man 2015 Painted using recycled plywood and mostly recycled paint. Read More
Excerpt from The Relevance of Kabir “The word excessive means something when talking of salt, sex or any experience. Even water will kill you if you drink too much. When we believe some experience or possession will do something it cannot, before we give up the belief, we are likely to see if more will accomplish the desired effect. Our beliefs make us vulnerable to hawkers that pander to our desires. Advertisers will sell us anything by suggesting an enviable ‘lifestyle’ associated with their products…. Read More
Mistaking means for ends in love is one of the worst and common mistakes. What we learned about love often makes our love pretentious, an insane dream-world that murders affection. A commitment necessarily views people as means to some goal. Anything that we can commit to doing can be done without affection. Commitment is not love. We cannot promise to feel the same way tomorrow and be truly honest because we don’t know. Anyone who wishes to challenge the above argument should also display their… Read More
The way we learn to judge our sex partners is questionable. We see our bias whenever ideal partnerships break up in spite of what seems the best of circumstances. Often we mistake means for ends. In American culture, we typically put down harmless affections and pleasure of great intrinsic value and treat them as superficial when those things lack money, beauty, or the people are unwilling to play by our rules etc. We abase what serves no other purpose. An ancient Chinese story sheds light… Read More
Excerpted from the introduction to The Relevance of Kabir. By Todd Vickers Let us let go of taboos when encountering poems. A lyricist mixes metaphors like a cook making soup. Before you taste this broth, be warned, I like spice! When we allow bold statements, we quickly clarify ideas that might otherwise be obscure, hence the following metaphor. Prostitutes who serve women were once talked about in hushed and disbelieving tones, but a quick internet search of the terms female sex tourism shows that these… Read More
Concening sexual idealism, I discuss with my beloved Sharon various topics, including sex, the morning news and our plans for the day. One day our conversation turned to the free love of the 1960s. A postmortem on the ‘60s is nothing new. My thoughts on that era I passed by Sharon’s critical eye who, being 21 years my senior, lived through that era while I was still pooping in diapers. I think some of the mistakes that people made in the 1960s haunt today’s attempts… Read More
A couple call is different from a two-girl call in that the latter involves two professional women rather than one professional and one amateur; despite the fact that the fantasy is the same, the dynamic is quite different because in the two-girl call the whores generally know each other and may even have had similar dates together before. There were two girls in particular with whom I really enjoyed doing these sorts of calls, and since they liked me as well such calls usually went… Read More
In my latest book, The Relevance of Kabir, I use a strong metaphor concerning prostitution to make a point about honesty and taboo subjects. Woody “Bee,” the subject of this essay, is a part of that metaphor. Although I have known several prostitutes in my life, for various reasons, Woody made a huge impact on me for the better. She was in her mid-70s when I met her in my teens. At that time in my life, I was an “at-risk youth” with a destructive… Read More
Todd Vickers published The Relevance of Kabir at Smashwords. This eBook will soon be available at your favorite stores like Amazon, Barns & Noble and more. If you would like a free review copy, go to http://therelevanceofkabir.com/ and click on the promotion. Todd selects the poems from four translations of Kabir on poignant subjects like sex, desire, money, power, and the benefits of meditation. This book, like Kabir himself, is critical of religion. The 15th century poet left both Islam and then Hinduism behind. Using… Read More
How about a cougar awareness month, or better, let’s have a cougar awareness life! Yes, these women can do many other things too, but do not marginalize the loving. In a world with so much mature and harmless longing, there is no reason for stinginess. There are pure rivers that whisper, do not suffer thirst for I am nearby. Open your eyes and notice, then share. Read More
How many beliefs about love are worth their upkeep and defense? Many beliefs rest on circumstances that must change, after all, that is what circumstances do. When we seek particular ‘results’ we turn our lovers into a means to an imagined end and measure success or failure accordingly. Why should we adapt our beliefs to the facts around us when we can try to manipulate people instead? When we manipulate, we tempt lovers to lie to us, if only a lie of omission, so they… Read More
May you all have joyous titillation and sweetest affection this holiday season. Be your delights mild our wild, may your toes curl and your mind fall silent in ecstasy. Remember you don’t need to rely on ecstasies to have a quiet mind, but it don’t hurt either. Todd Vickers Read More
How to find your passion? If we remove what is lewd from the definition of lust, we get a fire of passion! Let’s stoke this fire, as hot as we like. Let us warm the whole house! But let us not be careless. Don’t start it with gas. We want more than ashes wet with tears. We want a place for many guests to feel welcome and wish to return. Whether or not someone accepts an invitation for sex, let receiving one always be good… Read More
What is commitment? If we say it is dedication to a cause or activity remember another person is not an idea or something we do. When humans became domesticated the concept of property became relevant. Men started treating women as property. In finding a better morality, men offered themselves as property in return. Relationships became more equal but still a person is not property. Business and affection should be judged by different standards. You don’t need a commitment to have a friend and friends are… Read More
We can break out of old sexual beliefs and restrictions without being destructive. Any education about sex or sex book should include observations about restraint. Good sex is better when we are more informed. Read More
If we define slut in a denigrating way. Slut meaning to imagine a woman is outside of the custom sexually. We suffer from lousy reasoning. See what the professor has to say about it. The Folly of Slut Shaming – How to Stop from NoShameInSex.Com Read More
My criticism of abstinence only sex education rests on these grounds. Censored education is reckless because it suggests that young people will make better decisions by being uninformed. This idea is a felony against intellectual honesty itself. Regardless of intentions, abstinence only sex education is a lie of omission. A denial of relevant facts in defense of ideals suggests to me that, for some people, their belief is more important than the well-being of any young person whose suffering could be avoided by access to… Read More
A wonderful short documentary about the Bonobo Ape. This make love not war, sex for joy sake creature, raises a question about ourselves. Not that we should live in trees. Though I’m not against that mind you. I’m just noting one difference between the Bonobo and the violent Chimpanzee that dominates females. I became an adult as part of a free love commune. When females feel safe, there seems to be a lot more pleasure shared by all. Bonobo Documentary from Tani Ikeda on Vimeo. Read More
I saw her in the temple, the same space that would be intentionally reduced to ashes in just a few hours. She was as nude as the day she first drew breath. The people around us wore various attire, some quite revealing, some very plain, some festive. Perhaps more than a few folks had altered their states by taking substances. It approached one in the morning. The chill imposed, but not enough to interrupt this curly-haired beauty from meeting the space with her skin. Her… Read More
The angst often associated with relationships may not be because a a problem exists, but because the events are different than our expectations. Letting go of unrealistic ideals becomes more important in non-monogamous relationships. We tend to cling to beliefs when we feel out of control and we use power to defend them. The use of emotional blackmail, coercion, wild accusations and threats to achieve our aims is itself destructive. Do not pole-vault over mouse turds! Such behavior does not lend itself to trust or… Read More
The honor we pay to fictional ideas about love and sex is simply customary, like the undeserved deference our ancestors felt they must pay to king and clergy. These ideas, even when false, have real power. Some of our forebears undoubtedly believed in the truth, importance and obligation of their beliefs. Many people were cruel, destructive and willing sacrifice their own lives to undeserving authority because they thought it good to do so. “Men—not saints or philosophers, but common herds and crowds—are constantly frenzied into… Read More
We are creatures capable of amazing altered states that we enjoy. We find our way to discovering what those things are. We can even help others to have that excitement. But lets remember, what ever your consensual thing may be, a little humor can do us a lot of good. Read More
Q: You felt it necessary to be anonymous for this interview. I think it says something about our so-called freedom of speech. Why do you feel the need to be anonymous? M: I live in a small town, and I have children. I’m not sure that I want the judgment of my church-going neighbors to be carried out on my innocent children. Who knows what reactions might take place? Would my children be teased or shunned at school or in the neighborhood? This isn’t their… Read More
Many non-traditional folks carry conclusions that seem to rest on bias left over from tradition. For example, in a recent piece, Louisa Leontiades discussed applying the lessons of open relationships to monogamous relationships. I agree with her about many things, but we part ways when she starts to explain both success and failure by the same idea. In other words, her belief can never be false, then I explain how such ideas are a superstitions relationship mythology. The four indented quotes that follow are from… Read More
In sexual relationships, consider the anguish of those that try everything they learned to do in order to succeed and still suffer. People often attempt what their contemporaries and therapists suggest, to create lasting relationships. Regardless of the money spent and sincere efforts, many do not find satisfaction following a set of directions to build or sustain sexual affections. Therefore, I question the assumptions upon which this system is built even though the ideas in question are popular among both monogamists and non-traditionalists. Some may… Read More
I am not saying that all casual sex is loving any more than I would say the same about all marriages. I am saying, What would make any meeting worth thirty years would also make any meeting worth one night. Our society’s blind spots around sex are worse because we tend to trust customs and support these ideas with awkward feelings, including, but not limited to, fear, contempt and envy. If we combine our experience(s) of disappointment and a dread of disease into this mix,… Read More
Why are we afraid to have sex with friends? We fear to fall from the heights of affection, and we have probably witnessed this happen. The reason for this fall is we start thinking in terms of expectations, we start treating people like property and the friendship dies. When we give people a role to play, and judge them according to the results, we lose friends for the same reason we probably lost other lovers. If we want to make love to a friend, do… Read More
If you are wise and find it unacceptable when truth opposes a craving, you understand “integrity” serves no purpose unless it achieves our desire. Doubtless, some “square” will tell us this pragmatic approach supposes we don’t need to adapt to facts of life. Well, if we want facts, we can search the internet. Just as if there is something altogether “strange, or alien” in the hamburger, something neither meat, fish or foul”, what of it? Did not hunger subside upon eating? Was it tasty? What… Read More
As soon as we’d ordered lunch at the local Japanese restaurant I launched into my story of the week. “I’ve just discovered female ejaculation.” Sonja rolled her eyes slightly, “Oh yes. Men really get off on that because it makes them feel powerful to watch a woman squirt.” “Can you do that?” “Yes.” “So why haven’t you told me?” She shot me a quizzical look, “You’ve never asked.” True. Female ejaculation isn’t a popular topic of conversation, even among my women friends who discuss ménage… Read More
Is jealousy natural? Cancer is natural, and so is our appendix. Is jealousy instinctive? Even if we assume it so, our ability to adapt beyond genetic limits is also natural. But anthropology gives us many examples of human sexuality beyond monogamy. Perhaps many of our beliefs about sex are arbitrary based on where and when we were born. We do not grow new eyes; we create glasses and laser-surgery to make up for genetic flaws. Perhaps possessiveness with lovers is a flaw like being near-sighted…. Read More
Sexual Generosity goes beyond kindness and tolerance. Generosity seeks to improve the condition of others regardless of any return. Sexual generosity must include a far-reaching notion… that the joy of another is not a threat. Thank You Wikimedia Commons: Image Link Read More
We distort our capacity to love others with reference to an imaginary future. We see ourselves in this story and believe we know what love will do for us. We use emotion to force others to do what they “should”; what we desire; what we have in mind. We even withhold and limit love as a threat, ignoring the fact that death stalks us all. If we do this, we are drowning in our minds reflecting pool. Ironically, we may justify our actions by imagining… Read More
Our society suffers an epidemic of people seeking their own ends at the expense of others. Do not exclude the everyday folks outside of public view. Workaday people can make decisions or carry out boardroom choices that harm. When insurance companies deny a legitimate claim, some administrator cranks out the form letter. They probably know it is wrong but they have their life, debts or children to feed, meanwhile they crush an innocent or family. How many people have mourned on the account of such… Read More
We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this kindness or corrupt it. In a situation with more than one lover, the gravity of this subject increases.
Our desire to be truthful is a real merit but we must avoid the honesty facade. Sometimes coercive motivations hide behind being honest. What is power? It is the ability to make people do what they would not do otherwise. We do not need power to make people do what they want.
Should we keep from imposing our “honesty” when our lover’s are in the midst of joy with others? Let us be extremely honest with ourselves first. Are we frightened by our lovers eyes shining like lanterns while looking upon another or does a problem (something harmful) really exist? For some of us this question is very difficult.
As a kindness the least that we can do is not automatically speak, especially if we believe we must justify ourselves by some abstract principle or enforce some arbitrary limit. Can we let others have the ecstasy we probably want for ourselves? How many sweet moments, both in or out of bed, do people interrupt wanting to “share” a feeling when they are really just imposing? We humans are events in nature and like the whether; we are a part of the environment others must deal with.
Unlike the weather we can rain on a celebration when it suits us, even compel others to seek shelter from the storm.
If we have an unpleasant feeling, that does not make the circumstances wrong. We can induce discomfort in ourselves and others with unfounded beliefs. Many bigots indeed feel uncomfortable when they come across racially mixed lovers. When we have an idea of the way things “should be” and treat all else as something wrong, we assume infallible judgment. This is not so unlike the racist. The issue here is prejudice provoking our emotions, not the differences between varieties of narrow-mindedness. When the world transgresses our expectations, it does not mean the world is, wrong.
[Beware] …of an idea abstracted from the concretes of experience and then used to oppose and negate what it was abstracted from… The ‘sentimentalist fallacy’ is to shed tears over abstract justice and generosity, beauty, etc., and never to know these qualities when you meet them in the street, because the circumstances make them vulgar.
William James
Most of us do not have the opportunity to live in ideal circumstances, but that does not negate the discovery of something outside of our expectations. Sometimes what we find is not just unexpected, but worthwhile, even life changing, like varieties of love existing beyond our previous understanding. Our creation of the opportunities for intimate discovery are less important than our avoidance of unconsciously destroying those possibilities.
By Todd Vickers
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I want to talk about identity as perhaps the most important and often overlooked part of going beyond jealousy. Let us ask “who” gets jealous. If we will look at our own self-concept, the questions around this destructive emotion change. Unfortunately, the inquiry may not come spontaneously, as jealousy arises, intense feeling and finding some relief from the anguish may seem the only problem. Most of us see many faults in self-centered possessiveness but that does not necessarily stop the distress. While seeking security by… Read More
By Todd Vickers At times, the wonders of curvy women seem overlooked. This regrettable fad harms both men and women and I hope my experience will help open some minds. However, stating any attraction to women involves sexist hazards, booby traps if you will. Sexism is real and serious but to use chauvinism as an epithet to explain away any discomfort trivializes the issue and disadvantages women. I discuss some of these views of misogyny here. The women I thought sexy, growing up in late… Read More
A man risks the accusation, sometimes correctly, of objectifying women when discussing either sexual joy or desire. Male shaming may occur even if the focus is in favor of women’s pleasure or well-being. I recall refusing to have sex with a woman in spite of my strong wish. I insisted on the use of condoms (we had just met at a concert) and when I stood my ground, this beautiful mid thirties female insisted that I hated women. I do not think sexism used unfairly as… Read More
My Orgasm, By Sharon Dalzell At twenty five I had yet to experience an orgasm try as I might with a willing partner. I was fed up with wondering what the big fuss was about sex. I have since experienced an array of my orgasmic delights over the years beginning with my determination to experience any type of orgasm at all. Up till I came the first time, I honestly thought that pizza was a tastier treat than sex. My then husband found an old… Read More
The first time I ever saw a cathartic orgasm I was quite concerned. Should I ring the ambulance or hope it passes? ‘Cathartic orgasm’, by the way, is a phrase I coined to describe orgasms that have the same signs and symptoms as shock – light-headed-ness or a feeling of passing out, restlessness, confusion, shallow breathing, cool and clammy skin or profuse sweating, weakness and thirst. While it is predominantly a physical release it is also an emotionally charged experience. There is a plethora of… Read More
People believe there can be no love in a relationship without some forecast. As if, biological or emotional aspects of human beings mysteriously cease to function without prediction. When we consider the many failures of commitment, doubt becomes even stronger. When we can point to one or more failures for every success, the positive examples do not prove that commitment helped! The belief in such prediction rests on nothing more then custom. Why not look at lovers as they are in the current circumstances and… Read More
The fact that it took me almost twenty five years to realize I was a female sex tourist is not a defense. Check the screaming tabloids and anti-prostitution literature to confirm that sex tourism is totally unacceptable. Zero tolerance. Flash back to Cuba 1978. I was a 25-year old teacher working on a fly-in Indian reserve in northern Canada and I managed to escape for a week in the sun over the Easter break. The woman who was supposed to go with me cancelled at… Read More
Jealousy needs to be distinguished from envy as the fear of losing a person viewed as a possession. Envy springs from desire for things or people possessed by others. The tendency to view people as objects or means seems clear in both cases. Some who find great joy with sexually open lovers attempt to arrest the freedom that made the sex possible. Those who seek robust men or women for partners, and insist on monogamy when they are not physically compatible are more difficult… Read More
How to Deal With Jealousy Pleasures rendered harmless through intelligence can liberate wonderful unnoticed possibilities. When a person desires more than one lover that longing probably will not find satisfaction through any amount of great sex with a single person. I live in open relationships and have done so for two decades. Anyone who tries to coerce a lover into such a lifestyle would be asking for a hellish reaction; such manipulation seems as cruel as trying to impose monogamy. Open relationships suffer the same… Read More
Meeting Jealousy Not everyone who is not monogamous has the temperament for open relationships. Yet, many have a disposition for deceit, those who are pretending to the custom. I support responsible open sexuality and do not mean to discourage this freedom. However, the emotional intensity involved suggests the need for the most direct honesty without wishful thinking. Chauvinistic cultures sadly make such truthfulness impossible. In a more open society, these qualities are still often lacking. Some think that traditional relationships offer a refuge from rivalry…. Read More
A snippet… “Women are often treated badly when something wild becomes public. Look through the telescope revealing that custom isn’t the center of the universe. If you want a more juicy life, find safe and conscious participants. If on the contrary, the partners are more or less traditional-hypocrites (those words often run together) then the sex may get weapon-ized. Women are usually hit the hardest, as so many ladies have pointed out with the horrible double standard in cyber bullying.” READ MORE… Originally published this… Read More
Sacrificing for an Imagined Good When we believe the “right” relationship will secure good circumstances, we assume we know today what this bond should look like in the future. When we attempt to make human interaction similar to ideas we reject other alternatives. We turn our lovers into just a means. Let’s be clear, I use others as means but they have a value beyond that as ends. A lovers happiness, serving no purpose for me, is better than unhappiness obligated to me. People seduced… Read More
Don’t condemn body desires We are double-dealing with body pleasures if we speak of them in dreadful tones. We take risks with sex but the same is true of driving. Let us disapprove of recklessness, not varieties of joy rendered safe through intelligence. When sexual delights happen every day without injury, we should not blame sex for errors of judgment. If we condemn physical desires, confusion results, especially when we commonly indulge these joys. This inconsistency can be set right, at least in part, by… Read More
Women are touchy about this issue. Though men have body concept problems I think women learn to judge their bodies by a much harsher standard than men. Girls face different prejudices than boys with this body obsession. Many people think the anguish around body issues unreasonable. When they discuss the subject they qualify by saying something like; “I know the typical vain and competitive ideas about beauty are an absurd myth-fetish but…” Then they say what they believe (their body concept) that hurts them. That… Read More
The concept of normal people. If we have little or no interest in sex we may withhold that information from most people. If we have desires other than the customary, we probably tend to keep those private. These strategic omissions allow others to fill in the blanks with common ideas. Remember many popular ideas we now reject i.e. a flat earth were thought normal. Let’s keep this in mind when considering the fuzzy concept of “normal” A belief that the majority of people fit in the… Read More
Authorities insist that relaxed sexual freedom must be illegitimate. They build a fence around a birthright with shame. Then, through custom, they sell you a constrained pleasure in marriage (and commitment). The church and tradition have acted like a corporation controlling a resource when it comes to sex. The way a corporation sells a natural resource like water is to build a fence around the resource, then build the infrastructure, and to get you access, you pay them and they control the resource and cost…. Read More
