Author: Todd Vickers

Sex contrary to our beliefs

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If we were born elsewhere or in another time, we would have different beliefs including beliefs about sex. We have no obligation to cling to beliefs when they do not reflect the real events of life. Yes being in the unknown challenges us but believing things that are contrary to the reality is much worse. Instead of torturing our minds explaining our lives by incompatible beliefs, consider changing our beliefs to accommodate more facts. Contribute to this blog if you find it worthwhile. Read More

Monogamy is not virtue

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Before considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being mistreated. We feel uncomfortable at the dentist, but taking care of our teeth is a good thing. A child feels utterly distressed when they want something from the store and the parent says no. That does not make the child a victim in any way. When considering different ways to relate to lovers, any relationship that exists without being… Read More

Three reasons sex is confusing

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Sex doesn’t oppose truth. Delusion opposes truth. Delusion is different than having or not having sex. People often withhold the truth and blankly lie about their sexuality. These faults blend with truths, some truth we speak plainly and others we say as a joke.  A smokescreen allows us to stay two-faced e.g. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’ Our beliefs around sexuality may be contrary to our body impulses and even our behaviors without us questioning if the belief is false or flawed. This leads to shame as well as confusion. Popular culture… Read More

Sexual understanding or rebellion

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Distinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. The rebel thinks he or she is both honest and free but in fact the rule is as much the criterion as it is for a conformist. It’s one reason disappointed rebels swing back to being conformists and talk in dire tones about their ‘wild days etc.’   We have impulses that sometimes drive us beyond the boundaries of our beliefs, still… Read More

Don’t blame sex

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Sex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises to scare off a demon from eating the sun, that belief was superfluous with the eclipse. How many superfluous beliefs burden our sexuality that, like the eclipse, could exist without them. If we cease to obey unfounded beliefs, the benefits of that freedom comes to us today.   If you see a value here then… Read More

Jealousy – a short video

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Ashwini asks author Todd Vickers to discuss jealousy. View the video and for more, check out our other pieces on jealousy.             Read More

How you love is up to you

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The question is not what form the love takes but THAT we love consciously. Love is not a routine and cannot be reduced to a preconceived idea without killing it. Read More

Questioning Monogamy

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Every time someone cheats, every monogamous person who doesn’t consider purchased or oral sex and so on to be cheating, we have reason to question monogamy. To rest satisfied with faulting people rejects scrutiny of the idea itself.  Read 5 reasons to question monogamy. Read More

Sex relationship myths

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Our difficulty with sexual relationships may not be a defect in ourselves or others but rather a problem born of our unquestioned beliefs. Watch the short video and then ask your own questions about relationship mythology.   Read More

Sexual obsession is relating to the mind

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Here is a video I recently made in India. Ashwini asked about sexual obsession. In India obsession sometimes leads to acid attacks. If you like the video, check out our other clips and subscribe.     Read More

Stop Crashing Into Lovers

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Todd Vickers writing for Street Articles. “The question we’re considering here – How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall into the trap… ” Read More at Street Articles Read More

What Death Teaches Us About Lovers, Friends And Family

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Todd Vickers

Todd Vickers Published at Street Articles Excerpt below “We miss higher values if we habitually (unconsciously) judge according to goals. A dear friend, who I will call Gregg, described meeting a young woman. On the couch, their honesty orbited sex. Her beauty induced his longing, but her unrealistic expectations stopped him. Their evening passed in intimate conversation only. Similar experiences made Gregg consider himself a sexual failure. I know his lovers personally so this conclusion made no sense. He’s a scrupulously honest, non-monogamous man. He… Read More

Cheating and Honest Non-Monogamy

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I recently shared food with two women who both cheated on past lovers and felt pain about their conduct. Both now live candidly in non-monogamous circumstances and feel better for the change. I know non-monogamous men who feel the same way. These people made moral judgements. Let’s not fear making such judgements, after all, we make them constantly when we weigh choices in terms of better or worse. Let any such judgement consciously invite criticism if some contrary fact or reason eludes us in our… Read More

She Lives in Secret

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We can’t pick her out of a crowd, she who lives in secret. As the eyes of her teachers stabbed with disapproval, she learned to show what they would not condemn. And sometimes her sisters were as mean. She learned that the living joys within her provoked anger, shame and burning envy. Her desire, her daring, her naked delight, she reveals to those she trusts. And those joyous moments are sometimes mixed with deceit, and betrayal. We see her dressed for work, professional, reserved and qualified. In her costume we cannot see her… Read More

Is Monogamy Over? A Reply

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The headline ‘Is monogamy over?’ emblazoned TIME Magazine’s September 21, 2015 issue. Feeling skeptical, I bought it. Its brevity trifled with the subject. Biologist David Barash has suggested that monogamy conflicts with our biology. However, he also states that child care recommends monogamy: “It’s very rare for any species to engage in bi-parental care unless the males are guaranteed that they are genetically related to the offspring – confidence only monogamy can provide.” (1) I must correct Barash, confidence in paternity ONLY comes from a paternity… Read More

Art as Metaphor for Love

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When art conforms to our ideals of beauty, we call it beautiful. We go beyond our present categories when we ask, ‘can anything beautiful exist beyond my ideas about beauty?’ I answer, YES! Art throughout history shows immense variance and delightfully proves at least some people dared to go beyond what they learned. Countless attempts at innovation undoubtedly failed. Regardless, once a new form took hold, borne through the innovators bold enough to risk, the form and beauty passed on to future generations through inheritance…. Read More

Self and Orgasm

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An understanding through ecstasy. “If we can’t let go of our self, orgasm becomes difficult. In the ecstasy of love, the mental specter of our self becomes unsustainable. We live without a story for a few moments. If we need others to see beyond our ideas of ourselves, then possessiveness haunts us. We become a burden to others and limit our choices by reducing people into nothing more than a means. When we use people, we probably destroy or limit our affections in the process.” Excerpt:… Read More