Revenge porn | a betrayal of trust

First Person Convicted Of “Revenge Porn” In Oregon Gets Jail Sentencesad-woman

“A 31-year-old Oregon man is going to jail for six months after he published sexual videos of an ex online. He’s the first person in the state convicted and sentenced for “revenge porn.” … Read more.

Revenge porn is in part why I wrote. … Read More

What we’ll do when we’re ‘turned on’

selfie_2By Todd Vickers

When discussing heightened sexual states, let’s look at sex as something like the ocean or like weather, something both powerful and in continuous flux. Sex does not exist to serve our expectations or beliefs but is simply a part of life. If good fortune allows us the opportunity to experience harmless sexual delights, let us feel gratitude. Let’s remember … Read More

Queer America: Now That Trump Will Be President

man-tearsOriginally published at The Huffington Post 11/09/2016

“…we must hold each other as we piece ourselves back together, as we remember who we are ― who we have always been ― and remember what we have stared down and refused to give in to before. Remember what we and those who came before us have overcome, together, for hundreds and … Read More

Don’t miss the love

not-your-ideal

At the age of nine, the death of my beloved sister before she turned twenty taught me something about relationships and this lesson extends to sexual relationships. That what we grieve for in loss is not what the people did for us or helped us to accomplish. We grieve the irreplaceable affections we shared. This love has a value … Read More

Abusing a lovers empathy

1coercionWe cannot be convicted of abusing a lovers empathy with our self-created misery but we can still be guilty. Our ability to feel what we think is one of our conceptual powers. The mind does not communicate to the body in language but instead uses impulses. Those impulses cause real feeling. If we are unaware that we can generate any feeling including misery, it is … Read More

Sex education in Norway

screenshot-from-2016-11-22-16-28-06Enjoy the video below of a country that has real sex education. America on the whole, can’t deal directly with the facts of the sex as an issue. Such a video would be impossible in many states. We force children to learn about sex through ignorant friends or unrealistic pornography. If we consider how low the abortion rate is in … Read More

Sexual Kindness

curvy_shyBy Todd Vickers

We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this … Read More

Aspiration for a better life (and sex)

20160207_123926-1Our desire for something better is beautiful. It makes us bold and willing to risk and with risk comes both failure and discovery, both have their own value. We can’t be to often reminded that humans learn in three ways; imitation, repetition, and discovery.  Each way of learning about ourselves and the world has its own value but only one has the … Read More

Sex degraded by deceit

becoming-degradedThe cheating liar may or may not believe in monogamy, but they have the merit of seeing possibilities beyond monogamy. Their desire exists beyond the boundaries of their beliefs or pretense. The cheaters lip service to monogamy becomes a degradation of sexual affection outside of monogamy.

Someone who lies for the sake of having lovers tries to manage … Read More

Reform socially NOT politically

politics-sexBy Todd Vickers

Politics and sex can exist apart but those interested in sex should heed the 2016 election results. Since we shouldn’t rely on reforms in a conservative political environment, any change becomes a social not a political responsibility. The reasoning offered here also applies to issues beyond sexuality. Before talking about conscious social change let’s take a broad overview.

Any minority existing … Read More

Non monogamy, when prejudice hides envy

2birdcage-gimp

If we deny opportunities to love because we can’t conceive living  beyond monogamy, we may, among other things, be suffering envy.

The idea that we cannot have something tempts us to say it’s ‘not worth having.’ This is often envy hiding behind a prejudice. Nobody but the person themself can confirm such envy and that takes … Read More

Sex as part of a good life

big-beautySex is not merely physical pleasure, there’s a wonder, like that of a child seeing a butterfly alight on their outstretched hand, or being barefoot in a creek, with mud in our toes, holding a crayfish, fearing it might pinch. A little clumsiness may bring tears, smiles or uproarious laughter. We lost ourselves in what we were doing.

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Fighting and texting

dont-fight-in-text1It’s so easy to thoughtlessly shoot off a text or email in a digital world. But we can’t see the others face, their anger, their tears or misunderstanding so we have no real sense of how we are affecting them. Our vindictiveness may tempt us to go further than we would if our empathy engaged someone in person. Moreover, it takes far more courage to … Read More

Abuse of honesty in relationships

feelings-impactThe honesty facade is real honesty; it’s a rigorously honest description, but it also hides something that is factually true. I devoted a whole chapter to this topic in one of my earlier works. For the sake of brevity I will state the problem. Think of a child in a night terror. That child is in the throes of … Read More

Non attachment and love

non-attachmentBy Todd Vickers

How can we say ‘yes’ to life and not be attached to the people, things, events and outcomes. Non attachment is a vague notion that wrongly suggests that we could be attached in the first place. Even our own body changes happen outside of our control and every particle in the body is different from what it was a moment … Read More

Sexual deprivation and deceitful seduction

instinctive-joy2How many of our sexual beliefs result from conforming to or rebelling against arbitrary, indirect and unrelated suggestions? Things like a belief or a product that our sexuality could easily exist without.

Let’s consider letting go of sexual ideals as a compass and let morality be guided by joy and love rendered harmless through reason. How much sexual discovery exists beyond the things we habitually … Read More

What Desires Are Politically Important?

trump-appealWhat Desires Are Politically Important?

Bertrand Russell – Nobel Lecture

Your Royal Highness, Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have chosen this subject for my lecture tonight because I think that most current discussions of politics and political theory take insufficient account of psychology… Read more or listen to audio of the speech at nobelprize.org

Tonight I will be posting a new … Read More

Sex as an end unto itself

facebook-cover-nsisIf we learned we should achieve something through sex, other than the instinctive joy, then we learned sex is a means to an end. Even sex to have children, is sex as a means, but harmless sex can also be an end, something that is worth doing because its good, even if nothing else comes of it. Let’s not miss that value because … Read More

Other benefits of non-monogamy

oral-hygeneThe tertiary benefits of open sexuality might easily be forgotten. The intensity of emotion that may, at times, needlessly drain into drama or fictional fears can also give vitality to the little tasks of life. We feel our blood pump with the ‘yes’ to a date. The joy of discovery makes for a life well lived and gratitude. When that vigor happens and others are not frightened by it, it … Read More

A monogamous irony

one-on-oneWould you like to see some different views that challenge beliefs about sex? We’ve got articles, videos, slide shows and memes you can peruse, contemplate, share and comment about. Consider a four part series discussing jealousy, or read about cathartic orgasms. What about going beyond rules in polyamory or how different non-monogamous people hold different views? We link to articles of interest and shine … Read More

Beyond Satisfaction of Desire

surrender-2What would you choose, the experience of love being equal in both instances.

Love with truth

Love without truth

If the value is only the feeling then one is not better than the other. Love outside the truth is much more easily attained. Lies are the most commonly used aphrodisiac. But if we value love with truth, we realize that the truth … Read More

Stop admiring hypocrites

Janus

We risk losing some opportunities telling the truth. Regardless, the growth of a seed in a consciously sewn garden is not retarded by noxious weeds and briers overtaking the blossoms and choking them with shadow.

“When we attempt to live consciously without monogamy we don’t solve possessiveness as a problem by adding more lovers to possess. Imposing the expectations left over from monogamy on non-monogamous circumstances seems to … Read More

Go beyond cheating

Cheating ImageThis brief video looks at one of the mistaken value judgments hidden in the deceit of cheating.

A lie debases our longing for more joy and pollutes our morality. When we habitually use affections, including sexuality as a means, we forget those affections are something that makes life worth living, simply by themselves. This includes sexual affection for more than one other.

Let’s welcome sexuality in honesty.

Affections for their own sake is one of the things that make life worthwhile. Let’s not pretend sexual affection is unimportant when it is.

Non-monogamy, a growing morality

2A gift

The impulse to a more relaxed and open sexuality is not merely instinctive, but also moral. We see this (re)emerging morality* in conflict with established customs, like the conflict illustrated in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn when Huck contemplated turning in his friend Jim, an escaped slave. All his life, Huck had learned that it was a sin to … Read More

Facing facts, sex and climate change

Frog Viv adaptWhat do sex and climate change have in common? Both involve facts we sometimes feel tempted to ignore or alter them to suit our existing ideas.

Here is an excerpt from the Elephant Journal article Accepting Polyamory as Natural might help us to Accept Climate Change. {Adult}

Sometimes an experience outside of what we know changes our beliefs forever. At the age of 24, my … Read More

Social hypocrisy about sex

Cult Society“Our powers of conception come with a risk. Again, we use thought like paint on the canvas of our minds, using our fears and wants as the brushes. We create and judge not only the future, but, also, an image of our world today. Seekers often surrender this power of the mind to the direction of leaders. However, we no more live in our concepts than a painter can … Read More

Freedom to love

Free 2 LoveThe arguments in favor of sexual freedom rest on similar grounds as freedom of speech. Our love is part of our freedom, whether straight, gay, sapiosexual, one on one, or non monogamous.

Recommended reading, as pertinent today as in the past.

John Stuart Mill: On Liberty

Love instead of… Paintings at 2016 Saguaro Man

Painted Polyamory Problems

Probably the best way to illustrate what I’m doing with this art is to criticize it. One of the strongest objections to these paintings, they are all negative. They show problems, not solutions. Even the title of the show is negative – Love instead of . . .

A smaller serving

 

Against the fact standing above I say that the art is … Read More

Slut shaming – How men can stop it

EJ Slut ShameAuthor Todd Vickers writes at Elephant Journal and looks critically at slut shaming.

The good things around sex often become mixed with a variety of useless pains. My heart weeps at the double messages spoon fed to all of us, especially women. We cannot be reminded too often what culture imposes on our lovers, mothers, sisters, daughters … Read More

Controlling crowds with sex

Sexy Ad'sThose with influence and interest will try to deny access to rainwater and then either sell it back to us or use it for their own purposes. Societal norms often born of religion, try to deny or restrict access to sexuality and then create alternate paths to access. We become consumers purchasing access in one form or another, directly or vicariously. … Read More

Todd talks beliefs about sex at Vivriti.org

AdaptRead the points and the excerpt from The Relevance of Kabir.

Let us differentiate the inestimable benefits of accumulated knowledge from the tendency to hold fast to the past out of fear of the unknown. The beliefs we cling to… Read More!

Buy the book here.

New Sexual Knowledge

ShareThink of the transformation of sexual relations since the Victorian era. Each change had to be tried by a minority of people, perhaps there were many failures but slowly we found better ways, more equitable ways, more honest ways of loving. This evolution continues.

Sex contrary to our beliefs

truer beliefsIf we were born elsewhere or in another time, we would have different beliefs including beliefs about sex. We have no obligation to cling to beliefs when they do not reflect the real events of life. Yes being in the unknown challenges us but believing things that are contrary to the reality is much worse. Instead of torturing our minds explaining our lives … Read More

Monogamy is not virtue

Not VirtueBefore considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being mistreated. We feel uncomfortable at the dentist, but taking care of our teeth is a good thing. A child feels utterly distressed when they want something from the store and the parent says … Read More

Three reasons sex is confusing

VegasSex doesn’t oppose truth. Delusion opposes truth. Delusion is different than having or not having sex.

  • People often withhold the truth and frankly lie about their sexuality. These faults blend with truths, some truth we speak plainly and others we say as a joke.  A smokescreen allows us to stay two-faced e.g. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’
  • Our beliefs around sexuality may be contrary to our … Read More
  • Sexual understanding or rebellion

    ThePrudeDistinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. The rebel thinks he or she is both honest and free but in fact the rule is as much the criterion as it is for a conformist. It’s one reason disappointed rebels swing back to being … Read More

    Don’t blame sex

    DisapointmentSex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises to scare off a demon from eating the sun, that belief was superfluous with the eclipse. How many superfluous beliefs burden our sexuality that, like the eclipse, could exist without them. … Read More

    Jealousy – a short video

    JealousPhoneAshwini asks author Todd Vickers to discuss jealousy. View the video and for more, check out our other pieces on jealousy.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    How you love is up to you

    The question is not what form the love takes but THAT we love consciously.

    Love is not a routine and cannot be reduced to a preconceived idea without killing it.

    Prohibition

    Questioning Monogamy

    Every time someone cheats, every monogamous person who doesn’t consider purchased or oral sex and so on to be cheating, we have reason to question monogamy.

    Monogamy Ideal

    To rest satisfied with faulting people rejects scrutiny of the idea itself.  Read 5 reasons to question monogamy.

    An unsatisfied selfish demand

    An expectation is not the measure of abuse.

    How do we know if we are a victim?

    Not a Victim

    Sex relationship myths

    Sex Myths

    Our difficulty with sexual relationships may not be a defect in ourselves or others but rather a problem born of our unquestioned beliefs. Watch the short video and then ask your own questions about relationship mythology.