Love relationships sex non-monogamy doubting couple privilege

Couple privilegeFive reasons ‘Couple privilege’ doesn’t exist

By Lola Phoenix: Lola is a non-binary queer future best selling sci-fi/fantasy novelist in her late twenties.

I’ve seen this concept floating around for a … Read More

Dispute monogamy for 5 more reasons

dispute monogamy I dispute monogamy and I hope that my monogamous brothers and sisters understand that it is not just the failures of monogamy that provoke the contempt, ever perceptible in my writing. The world is imperfect and I accept the imperfections of society, yet I do not condone bad ideals or a society that refuses to realize the … Read More

What we think about love, sex and art changes things

about loveIn the west the propaganda of religion is probably not as pervasive as are the songs, representations, and symbolism about love. We know how different religious influences change the interpretation of a fact. Now consider how everyone is a philosopher about love over coffee, but most people, do not want their love philosophies scrutinized. Most love philosophies are not … Read More

Changing our views of love

love like water

Love like water.

Instead of saying we have different kinds of love, such as, one kind for friends, another for family, and another then lovers. I ask, what if we have only one love that takes different forms, like the way water conforms itself to the present situation? If love like water resonates with you, rather … Read More

Sex Education | Video with John Oliver

Sex EducationOnce again the inimitable John Oliver exposes the weakness of American abstinance sex eduducation and with humor at the end, offers his own sex education video.

Watch and enjoy.

 

 

 

Photo of John Oliver By TechCrunch – The 7th Annual Crunchies Awards on February 10, 2014 in San Francisco, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=45899540

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One sexually daring woman degraded by custom

sexually daringI want to respect the trial and error of a sexually daring woman who is now dead, and expose the all too common error for the sake of others. This writing is not merely a eulogy for a sexually daring woman whom I will refer to by her first name, these words are more than a remembrance for a … Read More

Removing Condoms Without Consent | Via Hufington Post

Condom“Stealthing,” the fact that there is an online comunity encouraging such behavior suggests to me complisity in a crime. Stealthing is non-consensual sex and is potentially fatal.

A new study explores the phenomenon of “stealthing” ― the purposefully nonconsensual removal of condoms during sex ― and how those who fall victim to the … Read More

Choose Pussy over Pain

Choose Pussy over PainIn the video Choose Pussy over Pain, Cidney Green shares a profound grasp of the obvious and lives it in the flesh. A critique of being offended by nudity but viral sharing of real violence like fight videos and cops shooting unarmed people. May you be a light unto us all … Read More

How to question love ideals | By Todd Vickers at Vivriti.org

Love idealsIntimate relationships and love ideals are a touchy topic anywhere, but the consequences of marriage, relationship breakups, and vengeance for rejection should make us willing to scrutinize our beliefs.  Ideals should not blind us to facts. In some countries, divorce is almost impossible due to the force of custom, but custom itself does not make … Read More

4 reasons a sense of wonder is important in a beautiful life

WonderWonder in a beautiful life | Todd Vickers via Vivriti.org

1. There can be no surprise without discovery.

Discovery is like a free fall; a new understanding of something previously taken for granted; a surprise affection, something beautiful or new knowledge. With discovery we are thrust into the moment. The experience is vitalizing, it awakens our senses. Think … Read More

How to truthfully have intimate relationship | Todd Vickers via Vivriti.org

intimate relationshipExcerpt: “…To be unaware of how we conceive intimate relationship leads to treating our questionable beliefs as fact. Let’s look at some problems and then solutions.

Don’t become cynical in intimate relationship. Find those people who value the truth.

On one hand, the hope for something better drives human discovery; meaning trial and error. On … Read More

Sex Impact – Indian Youth Suicide | Published at Vivriti.org

Youth SuicideYouth Suicide; more educated young people kill themselves in India, why? Todd Vickers looks at one part of the problem, the stifling of sexuality to conform with tradition.

Remember the problem is youth suicide, not the emotional discomfort of  those who adhere to a custom. Let’s keep the priorities straight.

“The truthfulness needed may go far beyond what … Read More

Sex Power – Media Offering Vicarious Pleasure

sex powerWhat is sex power? It’s no trivial fact that almost every human being you meet  longs for sexual joy, and those who understand that fact have power. Unfortunately, shame, possessive-ness, questionable beliefs and the tendency to use people as a means place sex power in the hands of advertisers, religion, and people who are willing to take advantage or deceive. Our … Read More

How to Find Your New Life | Todd writes for Vivriti.org

find new life“How to find new life? You follow the impulses toward a better life, even when it’s hard. That is what I do, and it’s not easy but the alternative is a prison of routine and amusement seeking to avoid feeling dead. Remember the sprout struggles out of the seed. The chick struggles out of … Read More

Understanding Relationships Nurturing Love | Todd Vickers writes for Vivriti.org

Understanding RelationshipsUnderstanding relationships means understanding pain. This is vital if we wish to bring relief to useless suffering. To reduce useless pain is nurturing to love.  But what does that actually mean?

Understand two sources of suffering.

One source is fact based, some event like a toothache, the loss of someone loved, … Read More

Slut Shaming Cultural Differences | Todd Vickers writing at Vivriti.org

slut shamingAnyone involved in slut shaming does not want girls to have freedom, to wear whatever they want, to like whoever they like (including boys), to speak boldly etc., whatever excuse these ‘perhaps’ well-meaning people offer, they indulge in power over girls when they use shame. This shame is an abuse. We can train a cat to fear a mouse by shocking it … Read More

How to improve our love

How to improve our love

How to improve our love?

First let’s begin with a short alagory to set the tone

‘When born into a den of thieves, a Buddha learns to steal.’

 

We’re born into a Machiavellian world of love songs, stories, religion, ads, movies, half-truths and falsehoods about … Read More

Todd Vickers writing at Vivriti.org – Freedom – Women’s day

Freedom

What is Freedom

A donkey chooses to pursue a carrot dangled in front of its face and thereby pulls the farmers cart. That isn’t what we mean by freedom.

The donkeys choice is constrained by bondage. The denial of alternatives let’s us know it is something far less than freedom…. Read More

Love wants to live

Love wants to liveWe want love. Many of us will say that it’s one of the most important things in our lives. Love wants to live!

When we distinguish what we see in relationships from our sentiment ABOUT relationships, it seems that a great deal of what passes for love rests on fear: practical fears, fear of the unknown, … Read More

Renouncing the limits of love | Todd Vickers on Vivriti.org

renouncing loves limitsWhy aren’t we renouncing loves limits? “Who do you know who does not place a boundary around his love? We are afraid others will use us and that our desire for love makes us foolish. In deference to this fear, we try to be smart and use others in the name of love for our … Read More

Leaving dead relationships

Leaving dead relationshipsLet’s start leaving dead relationships. Some people hold love hostage. Hiding behind a mask, they threaten to kill love if another doesn’t submit to spoken or unspoken demands. Sometimes a piece of love is cut off, a warning, just to prove that they are serious. Only the mind perpetrates such terrorism, mind with its boundless expectations. … Read More

Slut shaming on social networks

Since the January 21st Woman’s March, I’ve seen a lot of slut shaming on social networks.

Memes with scantily clad celebrities who might hold views on non sexual issues like the scientific consensus on climate change or the US accepting of political refugees. They may also state opinions on the right to comprehensive sex education, birth control, and legal abortion. Such women in the limelight … Read More

Lovers in friendship vs. being a player

I use the phrase ‘friendly sex’ because the term ‘casual sex‘ is cliché, and leads to confusion. I suggest a lovers friendship in consenting pleasure is better when we include higher qualities in the affection. These qualities are not a function of time, they can happen quickly, slowly, or not at all. More on this later. Such love exists outside … Read More

My ever changing sexuality

changing sexualityMy ever changing sexuality really began as a teen, I grew my sexual legs in a free love community of spiritual seekers, my views of this ever changing sexuality are quite non-traditional. I know the world is far bigger than many people imagine it and that we need not be drugged to break out and experience it. That big world requires intelligence and … Read More

An allegory applied to relationships

Relationship allegoryImagination is risky when we fill in the unknown. Below is an ancient story I use as a relationship allegory that exposes the mistake of thinking we know when we don’t.

“A man awakened before the sunrise. He decided to walk the path to work in the forest along the river in the dark. He walked the same path for years … Read More

Christians cut off a young girls clit in USA

The reason to scrutinize religion is because religion can be terribly harmful. The example and it is not unique. The irrational fear that some religion instills around sex harms countless people.

“A Christian doctor removed my clitoris when I was three years old as a ‘cure’ for masturbation, writes Renee Bergstrom”… Read more at The Guardian

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Bias in love

biased loveIf we’ve felt great pain in past relationships, we probably have some strong beliefs or biased love based on those impressions. How can we go beyond our past conclusions in new circumstances? If we believe ‘this’ about women and ‘that’ about men, the real events around us we see through those beliefs like a colored lens.

If we … Read More

Revenge porn | a betrayal of trust

First Person Convicted Of “Revenge Porn” In Oregon Gets Jail SentenceRevenge porn

“A 31-year-old Oregon man is going to jail for six months for revenge porn after he published sexual videos of an ex online. He’s the first person in the state convicted and sentenced for “revenge porn.” … Read more.

Revenge porn … Read More

What we’ll do when when we feel turned on

when we feel turned onWhen discussing heightened sexual states and what we’ll do when we feel turned on, let’s look at sex as something like the ocean or like weather, something both powerful and in continuous flux. Sex does not exist to serve our expectations or beliefs but is simply a part of life. If good fortune allows us the … Read More

Queer America: Now That Trump Will Be President

man-tearsOriginally published at The Huffington Post 11/09/2016

“…we must hold each other as we piece ourselves back together, as we remember who we are ― who we have always been ― and remember what we have stared down and refused to give in to before. Remember what we and those who came before us have overcome, together, for hundreds and … Read More

Don’t miss love

Don't miss love

At the age of nine, the death of my beloved sister before she turned twenty taught me something about relationships and this lesson extends to sexual relationships, don’t miss love. What we grieve for in loss is not what the people did for us or helped us to accomplish. We grieve the irreplaceable affections we … Read More

Abusing a lovers empathy

Abusing lovers empathyWe cannot be convicted of abusing a lovers empathy with our self-created misery but we can still be guilty. Our ability to feel what we think is one of our conceptual powers. The mind does not communicate to the body in language but instead uses impulses. Those impulses cause real feeling. If we are unaware that we can generate any feeling including misery, … Read More

Sex education in Norway

Norway Sex Education Enjoy the video below of Norway sex education. America on the whole, can’t deal directly with the facts of the sex as an issue. Such a video would be impossible in many states. We force children to learn about sex through ignorant friends or unrealistic pornography. If we consider how low the abortion rate is in Norway, then … Read More

Sexual Kindness

curvy_shyBy Todd Vickers

We will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this … Read More

Aspiration for a better life (and better sex)

better life better sexOur desire, our aspiration for a better life is beautiful. It makes us bold and willing to risk and with risk comes both failure and discovery, both have their own value. We can’t be to often reminded that humans learn in three ways; imitation, repetition, and discovery.  Each way of learning about ourselves and the world has its own value … Read More

Sex degraded by deceit

becoming-degradedThe cheating liar may or may not believe in monogamy, but they have the merit of seeing possibilities beyond monogamy. Their desire exists beyond the boundaries of their beliefs or pretense. The cheaters lip service to monogamy becomes a degradation of sexual affection outside of monogamy.

Someone who lies for the sake of having lovers tries to manage … Read More

Reform socially NOT politically

politics-sexBy Todd Vickers

Politics and sex can exist apart but those interested in sex should heed the 2016 election results. Since we shouldn’t rely on reforms in a conservative political environment, any change becomes a social not a political responsibility. The reasoning offered here also applies to issues beyond sexuality. Before talking about conscious social change let’s take a broad overview.

Any minority existing … Read More

Non monogamy, when prejudice hides envy

2birdcage-gimp

If we deny opportunities to love because we can’t conceive living  beyond monogamy, we may, among other things, be suffering envy.

The idea that we cannot have something tempts us to say it’s ‘not worth having.’ This is often envy hiding behind a prejudice. Nobody but the person themself can confirm such envy and that takes … Read More

Sex as part of a good life

big-beautySex is not merely physical pleasure, there’s a wonder, like that of a child seeing a butterfly alight on their outstretched hand, or being barefoot in a creek, with mud in our toes, holding a crayfish, fearing it might pinch. A little clumsiness may bring tears, smiles or uproarious laughter. We lost ourselves in what we were doing.

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Fighting and texting

dont-fight-in-text1It’s so easy to thoughtlessly shoot off a text or email in a digital world. But we can’t see the others face, their anger, their tears or misunderstanding so we have no real sense of how we are affecting them. Our vindictiveness may tempt us to go further than we would if our empathy engaged someone in person. Moreover, it takes far more courage to … Read More

Abuse of honesty in relationships

feelings-impactThe honesty facade is real honesty; it’s a rigorously honest description, but it also hides something that is factually true. I devoted a whole chapter to this topic in one of my earlier works. For the sake of brevity I will state the problem. Think of a child in a night terror. That child is in the throes of … Read More

Non attachment and love

non-attachmentBy Todd Vickers

How can we say ‘yes’ to life and not be attached to the people, things, events and outcomes. Non attachment is a vague notion that wrongly suggests that we could be attached in the first place. Even our own body changes happen outside of our control and every particle in the body is different from what it was a moment … Read More

Sexual deprivation and deceitful seduction

instinctive-joy2How many of our sexual beliefs result from conforming to or rebelling against arbitrary, indirect and unrelated suggestions? Things like a belief or a product that our sexuality could easily exist without.

Let’s consider letting go of sexual ideals as a compass and let morality be guided by joy and love rendered harmless through reason. How much sexual discovery exists beyond the things we habitually … Read More

What Desires Are Politically Important?

trump-appealWhat Desires Are Politically Important?

Bertrand Russell – Nobel Lecture

Your Royal Highness, Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have chosen this subject for my lecture tonight because I think that most current discussions of politics and political theory take insufficient account of psychology… Read more or listen to audio of the speech at nobelprize.org

Tonight I will be posting a new … Read More

Sex as an end unto itself

facebook-cover-nsisIf we learned we should achieve something through sex, other than the instinctive joy, then we learned sex is a means to an end. Even sex to have children, is sex as a means, but harmless sex can also be an end, something that is worth doing because its good, even if nothing else comes of it. Let’s not miss that value because … Read More

Other benefits of non-monogamy

oral-hygeneThe tertiary benefits of open sexuality might easily be forgotten. The intensity of emotion that may, at times, needlessly drain into drama or fictional fears can also give vitality to the little tasks of life. We feel our blood pump with the ‘yes’ to a date. The joy of discovery makes for a life well lived and gratitude. When that vigor happens and others are not frightened by it, it … Read More

A monogamous irony

one-on-oneWould you like to see some different views that challenge beliefs about sex? We’ve got articles, videos, slide shows and memes you can peruse, contemplate, share and comment about. Consider a four part series discussing jealousy, or read about cathartic orgasms. What about going beyond rules in polyamory or how different non-monogamous people hold different views? We link to articles of interest and shine … Read More

Beyond Satisfaction of Desire

surrender-2What would you choose, the experience of love being equal in both instances.

Love with truth

Love without truth

If the value is only the feeling then one is not better than the other. Love outside the truth is much more easily attained. Lies are the most commonly used aphrodisiac. But if we value love with truth, we realize that the truth … Read More

Stop admiring hypocrites

Janus

We risk losing some opportunities telling the truth. Regardless, the growth of a seed in a consciously sewn garden is not retarded by noxious weeds and briers overtaking the blossoms and choking them with shadow.

“When we attempt to live consciously without monogamy we don’t solve possessiveness as a problem by adding more lovers to possess. Imposing the expectations left over from monogamy on non-monogamous circumstances seems to … Read More

Go beyond cheating

Cheating ImageThis brief video looks at one of the mistaken value judgments hidden in the deceit of cheating.

A lie debases our longing for more joy and pollutes our morality. When we habitually use affections, including sexuality as a means, we forget those affections are something that makes life worth living, simply by themselves. This includes sexual affection for more than one other.

Let’s welcome sexuality in honesty.

Affections for their own sake is one of the things that make life worthwhile. Let’s not pretend sexual affection is unimportant when it is.

Non-monogamy, a growing morality

2A gift

The impulse to a more relaxed and open sexuality is not merely instinctive, but also moral. We see this (re)emerging morality* in conflict with established customs, like the conflict illustrated in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn when Huck contemplated turning in his friend Jim, an escaped slave. All his life, Huck had learned that it was a sin to … Read More

Facing facts, sex and climate change

Frog Viv adaptWhat do sex and climate change have in common? Both involve facts we sometimes feel tempted to ignore or alter them to suit our existing ideas.

Here is an excerpt from the Elephant Journal article Accepting Polyamory as Natural might help us to Accept Climate Change. {Adult}

Sometimes an experience outside of what we know changes our beliefs forever. At the age of 24, my … Read More

Social hypocrisy about sex

Cult Society“Our powers of conception come with a risk. Again, we use thought like paint on the canvas of our minds, using our fears and wants as the brushes. We create and judge not only the future, but, also, an image of our world today. Seekers often surrender this power of the mind to the direction of leaders. However, we no more live in our concepts than a painter can … Read More

Freedom to love

Free 2 LoveThe arguments in favor of sexual freedom rest on similar grounds as freedom of speech. Our love is part of our freedom, whether straight, gay, sapiosexual, one on one, or non monogamous.

Recommended reading, as pertinent today as in the past.

John Stuart Mill: On Liberty

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Love instead of… Paintings at 2016 Saguaro Man

Painted Polyamory Problems

Probably the best way to illustrate what I’m doing with this art is to criticize it. One of the strongest objections to these paintings, they are all negative. They show problems, not solutions. Even the title of the show is negative – Love instead of . . .

A smaller serving

 

Against the fact standing above I say that the art is … Read More

Slut shaming – How men can stop it

EJ Slut ShameAuthor Todd Vickers writes at Elephant Journal and looks critically at slut shaming.

The good things around sex often become mixed with a variety of useless pains. My heart weeps at the double messages spoon fed to all of us, especially women. We cannot be reminded too often what culture imposes on our lovers, mothers, sisters, daughters … Read More

Controlling crowds with sex

sex controlling crowdsThose with influence and interest will try to deny access to rainwater and then either sell it back to us or use it for their own purposes. Sex controlling crowds is an old game through societal norms often born of religion, try to deny or restrict access to sex and then create alternate paths to get access. We … Read More

Todd talks beliefs about sex at Vivriti.org

AdaptRead the points and the excerpt from The Relevance of Kabir.

Let us differentiate the inestimable benefits of accumulated knowledge from the tendency to hold fast to the past out of fear of the unknown. The beliefs we cling to… Read More!

Buy the book here.

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New Sexual Knowledge

ShareThink of the transformation of sexual relations since the Victorian era. Each change had to be tried by a minority of people, perhaps there were many failures but slowly we found better ways, more equitable ways, more honest ways of loving. This evolution continues.

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Sex contrary to our beliefs

truer beliefsIf we were born elsewhere or in another time, we would have different beliefs including beliefs about sex. We have no obligation to cling to beliefs when they do not reflect the real events of life. Yes being in the unknown challenges us but believing things that are contrary to the reality is much worse. Instead of torturing our minds explaining our lives … Read More

Monogamy is not virtue

Not VirtueBefore considering sexuality let’s remember, if we have a prejudice, we might feel uncomfortable seeing others going beyond the limits of such beliefs. Being uncomfortable is not the same thing as being mistreated. We feel uncomfortable at the dentist, but taking care of our teeth is a good thing. A child feels utterly distressed when they want something from the store and the parent says … Read More

Three reasons sex is confusing

sex is confusingSex doesn’t oppose truth. Delusion opposes truth. Delusion is different than having or not having sex.

  • People often withhold the truth and blankly lie about their sexuality. These faults blend with truths, some truth we speak plainly and others we say as a joke.  A smokescreen allows us to stay two-faced e.g. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’
  • Our beliefs around sexuality may be contrary … Read More
  • Sexual understanding or rebellion

    ThePrudeDistinguish between sexual conformity, rebellion and hypocrisy. The conformist and rebel obey or disobey by degree, but the rule is the governing ideal. The hypocrite knows he or she is deceitful. The rebel thinks he or she is both honest and free but in fact the rule is as much the criterion as it is for a conformist. It’s one reason disappointed rebels swing back to being … Read More

    Don’t blame sex

    DisapointmentSex is an event like an eclipse. Beliefs about events confuse us because beliefs induce emotions and changes in our behavior. During an eclipse our terrified ancestors made loud noises to scare off a demon from eating the sun, that belief was superfluous with the eclipse. How many superfluous beliefs burden our sexuality that, like the eclipse, could exist without them. … Read More

    Jealousy – a short video

    JealousPhoneAshwini asks author Todd Vickers to discuss jealousy. View the video and for more, check out our other pieces on jealousy.

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    How you love is up to you

    The question is not what form the love takes but THAT we love consciously.

    Love is not a routine and cannot be reduced to a preconceived idea without killing it.

    Prohibition

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    Questioning Monogamy

    Every time someone cheats, every monogamous person who doesn’t consider purchased or oral sex and so on to be cheating, we have reason to question monogamy.

    Monogamy Ideal

    To rest satisfied with faulting people rejects scrutiny of the idea itself.  Read 5 reasons to question monogamy.

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    An unsatisfied selfish demand

    An expectation is not the measure of abuse.

    How do we know if we are a victim?

    Not a Victim

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    Sex relationship myths

    Sex Myths

    Our difficulty with sexual relationships may not be a defect in ourselves or others but rather a problem born of our unquestioned beliefs. Watch the short video and then ask your own questions about relationship mythology.

     

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    Ending sexual hypocrisy

    If you dislike hypocrisy, we should find each other.

    Hypocracy2

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    Sexual obsession is relating to the mind

    3J6B1570Here is a video I recently made in India. Ashwini asked about sexual obsession. In India obsession sometimes leads to acid attacks. If you like the video, check out our other clips and subscribe.

     

     

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    Stop Crashing Into Lovers

    noshameinsex.comTodd Vickers writing for Street Articles.

    “The question we’re considering here – How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall into the trap… ” Read More at Street Articles

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    What Death Teaches Us About Lovers, Friends And Family

    Todd VickersTodd Vickers Published at Street Articles

    Excerpt below

    “We miss higher values if we habitually (unconsciously) judge according to goals. A dear friend, who I will call Gregg, described meeting a young woman. On the couch, their honesty orbited sex. Her beauty induced his longing, but her unrealistic expectations stopped him. Their evening passed in intimate conversation only. Similar experiences made Gregg consider himself a sexual … Read More

    Cheating and Honest Non-Monogamy

    pink vest2I recently shared food with two women who both cheated on past lovers and felt pain about their conduct. Both now live candidly in non-monogamous circumstances and feel better for the change. I know non-monogamous men who feel the same way. These people made moral judgements. Let’s not fear making such judgements, after all, we make them constantly when we weigh choices in terms of better or … Read More

    She Lives in Secret

    Secret Woman 2We can’t pick her out of a crowd, she who lives in secret. As the eyes of her teachers stabbed with disapproval, she learned to show what they would not condemn. And sometimes her sisters were as mean. She learned that the living joys within her provoked anger, shame and burning envy. Her desire, her daring, her naked delight, she reveals to those she trusts. And those joyous moments … Read More

    Is Monogamy Over? A Reply

    TIMEcover girlsThe headline ‘Is monogamy over?’ emblazoned TIME Magazine’s September 21, 2015 issue.

    Feeling skeptical, I bought it. Its brevity trifled with the subject.

    Biologist David Barash has suggested that monogamy conflicts with our biology. However, he also states that child care recommends monogamy: “It’s very rare for any species to engage in bi-parental care unless the males are guaranteed that they are genetically related … Read More

    Sex-Pats in Cambodia

    JodiAccording to my friend, George, the American proverb that “even blind pigs can find an occasional acorn” is understated in Cambodia. “The ‘Kingdom Of Wonder’ – as Cambodia is advertised by the tourism board – is a haven for sex-pats. Easy immigration policies let foreigners stay for extended periods. A phrase repeated around the capital is ‘The older and uglier you are, the easier it is to get a woman in Cambodia’ The women seem … Read More

    Art as Metaphor for Love

    Giulio_Romano_-_The_Lovers_-_WGA09611When art conforms to our ideals of beauty, we call it beautiful. We go beyond our present categories when we ask, ‘can anything beautiful exist beyond my ideas about beauty?’ I answer, YES!

    Art throughout history shows immense variance and delightfully proves at least some people dared to go beyond what they learned. Countless attempts at innovation undoubtedly failed. Regardless, once a new form … Read More

    Self and Orgasm

    WEB Kabir Front CoverAn understanding through ecstasy.

    “If we can’t let go of our self, orgasm becomes difficult. In the ecstasy of love, the mental specter of our self becomes unsustainable. We live without a story for a few moments. If we need others to see beyond our ideas of ourselves, then possessiveness haunts us. We become a burden to others and limit our choices … Read More

    Read-Darwinian Gender Studies

    Otto_Scholderer_Lesendes_MädchenBy Paula Wright

    Unpoisoning the Well

    In my research, I interrogate orthodox feminist concepts, such as patriarchy, objectification, gender power differentials, mating systems and psychosexual differences using humour and evolutionary explanatory models such as sexual selection, parental investment theory, mutual mate choice, female choice, signalling theory and perhaps most importantly intrasexual competition. History shows us that whenever our species has ever attempted to take control … Read More

    5 Reasons to Question Monogamy at Elephant Journal

    Let’s Sketch of a Clasiclook at both monogamy and commitment with fresh eyes and consider five reasons to question both cultural ideas.

    Let’s not oversimplify the deceit exemplified by Ashley Madison. Widespread cheating suggests sexual impulses exist beyond monogamy.

    Many arguments against freer sexuality provoke fear and even persecution exemplified in slut shaming, honor killings and LGBT harassment.

    The discovery of trial and error expands our choices. Discovery also exposes our mistakes.

    For example, discovering what … Read More

    Friendly Sexual Connections

    Newest CartThe benefits of plural and open sexual friendships cannot be measured nor should the benefits be underestimated. Consider how often commercials and political propaganda invoke our sexual instincts. A chicken broods on a wooden egg and our instincts can also be misguided. When we have friendly sexual connections with consenting adults, sex is less likely a means for power to manipulate us. Why pull a … Read More

    A Hindi Translation of Forbidden Subjects निषिद्ध षििय

    Screenshot from 2015-08-11 13:03:44

    This is an excerpt from The Relevance of Kabir.

    Click the link, go to the blog on the Kabir website and download the PDF in Hindi.

     

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    Read About Sexual Pitfalls at Elephant Journal

    Thinking WomanTodd’s newest article is now live at Elephant Journal

    How to Avoid 5 Sexual Pitfalls.

    The goal here is to see flaws in our beliefs so we need not be punished by facts.

     

     

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    Gay in Cuba – Hardship and Love

    Frank & TonyThe confrontation between Tony and the man who infected him, to protect others, touches the heart as does the whole article. Recommended Reading…

    Two hours into our first meeting, I knew that Francisco Segundo Martínez Sosa (Frank) is gay (just looking at him tells you that); is a composer and a writer; was nearly successful at suicide; is the father of … Read More

    Non Monogamous Instinct

    sketch1433312858079-1

    A little slide show examining common views about non-monogamy. The sexual revolution has yet to begin.

     

     

     

     

    Non Monogamous Instinct from NoShameInSex.Com Read More

    Poly Follies | The Exhibit and Talk

    20150404_182101-1The talk “Polyamory Without Pathos” at Saguaro Man went well. Such a deep subject is impossible to delve into properly in just an hour. Below, I will broach several points mentioned during the talk.

    We talked about what I call ‘tragic fiction,’ which is treating something imagined as real and imposing the emotion induced on others. Such behavior endangers affections. A metaphor for this issue … Read More

    Saguaro Man | The Poly Follies Art

    Chita n GreggWe’re off to Saguaro Man tomorrow. Seven pieces of Todd’s art will be on exhibit called Poly Follies at Center Camp. He will be doing a talk Saturday at Noon called Polyamory Without Pathos (i.e. tragic fiction) also at Center Camp and giving away some books. Our Camp is called The Temple of Resonance, if your going to be near, … Read More

    Challenging Relationship Myths

    Come HereIf you take the prediction and control out of commitment, what is left?

    Moreover, every disappointed commitment is built on a set of justifications that failed. Before you buy another bag of magic beans, why not meet with us in challenging those beliefs?

    Check out this website.

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    Criticize an idea.

    What is Sexual Excess?

    The Relevance of KabirExcerpt from The Relevance of Kabir

    “The word excessive means something when talking of salt, sex or any experience. Even water will kill you if you drink too much. When we believe some experience or possession will do something it cannot, before we give up the belief, we are likely to see if more will accomplish the desired effect. Our beliefs … Read More

    Mistaking Means for Ends in Love

    Having-or-notMistaking means for ends in love is one of the worst and common mistakes. What we learned about love often makes our love pretentious, an insane dream-world that murders affection. A commitment necessarily views people as means to some goal. Anything that we can commit to doing can be done without affection. Commitment is not love. We cannot promise to feel the same way tomorrow and … Read More

    Our Sexual Value Judgments

    Yang_Guifei_Mounting_a_HorseThe way we learn to judge our sex partners is questionable. We see our bias whenever ideal partnerships break up in spite of what seems the best of circumstances. Often we mistake means for ends. In American culture, we typically put down harmless affections and pleasure of great intrinsic value and treat them as superficial when those things lack money, beauty, or the people are … Read More

    Forbidden Subjects

    WEB Kabir Front CoverExcerpted from the introduction to The Relevance of Kabir. By Todd Vickers

    Let us let go of taboos when encountering poems. A lyricist mixes metaphors like a cook making soup. Before you taste this broth, be warned, I like spice! When we allow bold statements, we quickly clarify ideas that might otherwise be obscure, hence the following metaphor. Prostitutes … Read More

    Sexual Idealism

    sexual idealismConcening sexual idealism, I discuss with my beloved Sharon various topics, including sex, the morning news and our plans for the day. One day our conversation turned to the free love of the 1960s. A postmortem on the ‘60s is nothing new. My thoughts on that era I passed by Sharon’s critical eye who, being 21 years my senior, lived through that era … Read More

    Couple Calls – By The Honest Courtesan

    Eye2A couple call is different from a two-girl call in that the latter involves two professional women rather than one professional and one amateur; despite the fact that the fantasy is the same, the dynamic is quite different because in the two-girl call the whores generally … Read More

    A Retired Prostitute Helped Me

    Essay on Woody the prostituteIn my latest book, The Relevance of Kabir, I use a strong metaphor concerning prostitution to make a point about honesty and taboo subjects. Woody “Bee,” the subject of this essay, is a part of that metaphor. Although I have known several prostitutes in my life, for various reasons, Woody made … Read More

    The Relevance of Kabir – One Thousand Review Copies Free

    The Relevance of KabirTodd Vickers published The Relevance of Kabir at Smashwords. This eBook will soon be available at your favorite stores like Amazon, Barns & Noble and more. If you would like a free review copy, go to http://therelevanceofkabir.com/ and click on the promotion.

    Todd selects the poems from four translations of Kabir on poignant subjects like sex, desire, money, power, and the … Read More

    Celebrate Mature Women, Who Want

    Milf AwarenessHow about a cougar awareness month, or better, let’s have a cougar awareness life! Yes, these women can do many other things too, but do not marginalize the loving. In a world with so much mature and harmless longing, there is no reason for stinginess. There are pure rivers that whisper, do not suffer thirst for I am nearby. Open your eyes and notice, … Read More

    Questionable Beliefs About Love

    ThreesomeHow many beliefs about love are worth their upkeep and defense? Many beliefs rest on circumstances that must change, after all, that is what circumstances do. When we seek particular ‘results’ we turn our lovers into a means to an imagined end and measure success or failure accordingly.

    Why should we adapt our beliefs to the facts around us when we can try to … Read More

    r0b1 Different Sex Podcast Todd Vickers Talks Issues of Polyamory

    Rob Moore

    Rob Moore interviews Todd Vickers on r0b1.com

     

     

     

     

    Check out r0b1.com for more interviews and caring discussion about nontraditional relationships.

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    A Suggestive Holiday Greeting

    Dude SantaMay you all have joyous titillation and sweetest affection this holiday season. Be your delights mild our wild, may your toes curl and your mind fall silent in ecstasy.

    Remember you don’t need to rely on ecstasies to have a quiet mind, but it don’t hurt either.

    Todd Vickers

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    Lust Meaning, I’m on Fire

    FireWoman5How to find your passion? If we remove what is lewd from the definition of lust, we get a fire of passion! Let’s stoke this fire, as hot as we like. Let us warm the whole house! But let us not be careless. Don’t start it with gas. We want more than ashes wet with tears. We want a place for many guests … Read More

    We Believed Lies About Commitments

    Commitment Security

    What is commitment? If we say it is dedication to a cause or activity remember another  person is not an idea or something we do. When humans became domesticated the concept of property became relevant. Men started treating women as property. In finding a better morality, men offered themselves as … Read More

    The Risk of Sexual Suppression

    We can break out of old sexual beliefs and restrictions without being destructive.

    Any education about sex or sex book should include observations about restraint. Good sex is better when we are more informed.

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    The Folly of Slut Shaming

    1 The FollyIf we define slut in a denigrating way. Slut meaning to imagine a woman is outside of the custom sexually. We suffer from lousy reasoning. See what the professor has to say about it.

    The Folly of Slut Shaming – How to Stop from NoShameInSex.Com Read More

    Polyamorous Monsters of Imagination

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    Poly Monsters of Imagination from NoShameInSex.Com Read More

    New Arguments Against Abstinence Only Sex Education

    Abstinence Only Sex EducationMy criticism of abstinence only sex education rests on these grounds. Censored education is reckless because it suggests that young people will make better decisions by being uninformed. This idea is a felony against intellectual honesty itself. Regardless of intentions, abstinence only sex education is a lie of omission. A denial of relevant facts in … Read More

    Polyamory Going Beyond Rules

    Because polyamory is about affection not control.

     
     
     
     

    Polyamory – Going Beyond Rules from NoShameInSex.Com Read More

    How to Defend Our Sensuality, The Hippie in Us All

    So Much BeautyI saw her in the temple, the same space that would be intentionally reduced to ashes in just a few hours. She was as nude as the day she first drew breath. The people around us wore various attire, some quite revealing, some very plain, some festive. Perhaps more than a few folks had altered their states by taking substances. It approached one … Read More

    Polyamorous Expectations Dare Letting Go

    polyamorous expectationsThe angst often associated with relationships may not be because a damn thing is wrong, but because the events are different than our expectations. Discussiong polyamorous expectations ability to let go of ideals becomes even more important in non-monogamous interactions because of the emotional vulnerability.

    We use power defending expectations because we tend to cling to ideas when we feel out of control. When we insist how … Read More

    How to Let Go of Sexual Customs – Be Bold

    Kings.ClergyThe honor we pay to fictional ideas about love and sex is simply customary, like the undeserved deference our ancestors felt they must pay to king and clergy. These ideas, even when false, have real power. Some of our forebears undoubtedly believed in the truth, importance and obligation of their beliefs. Many people were cruel, destructive and willing sacrifice their own lives to undeserving authority because they thought it good to do so.

    “Men—not saints … Read More

    BDSM Dungeon-ous Crab

    Dungeonous CrabWe are creatures capable of amazing altered states that we enjoy. We find our way to discovering what those things are. We can even help others to have that excitement. But lets remember, what ever your consensual thing may be, a little humor can do us a lot of good.

    Read More

    Interview with a Non-Monogamous Woman

    MQuestionQ: You felt it necessary to be anonymous for this interview. I think it says something about our so-called freedom of speech. Why do you feel the need to be anonymous?

    M: I live in a small town, and I have children. I’m not sure that I want the judgment of my church-going neighbors to be carried out on my innocent children. Who knows … Read More

    The Polyamorous Caravan – Part Two

    Huguet_A-Caravan-Crossing-The-DesertMany non-traditional folks carry conclusions that seem to rest on bias left over from tradition. For example, in a recent piece, Louisa Leontiades discussed applying the lessons of open relationships to monogamous relationships. I agree with her about many things, but we part ways when she starts to explain both success and failure by the same idea. In other words, her belief can never be … Read More

    The Polyamorous Caravan – Part One

    Benwell_Caravan-with-the-Pyramids-and-Sphinx-beyondIn sexual relationships, consider the anguish of those that try everything they learned to do in order to succeed and still suffer. People often attempt what their contemporaries and therapists suggest, to create lasting relationships. Regardless of the money spent and sincere efforts, many do not find satisfaction following a set of directions to build or sustain sexual affections. Therefore, I question the assumptions … Read More

    Can Casual Sex Be Loving? Yes, It Can.

    Leveque BacchanaliaI am not saying that all casual sex is loving any more than I would say the same about all marriages. Our society’s blind spots around sex are worse because we tend to trust customs and support these ideas with awkward feelings, including, but not limited to, fear, contempt and envy. If we combine our experience(s) of disappointment and a dread of disease into … Read More

    Having Sex with Friends

    LadyWhy are we afraid to have sex with friends? We fear to fall from the heights of affection, and we have probably witnessed this happen. The reason for this fall is we start thinking in terms of expectations, we start treating people like property and the friendship dies. When we give people a role to play, and judge them according to the results, we lose … Read More

    Sex like fast food

    The DunceIf you are wise and find it unacceptable when truth opposes a craving, you understand “integrity” serves no purpose unless it achieves our desire. Doubtless, some “square” will tell us this pragmatic approach supposes we don’t need to adapt to facts of life. Well, if we want facts, we can search the internet. Just as if there is something altogether “strange, or alien” in the hamburger, … Read More

    Female Ejaculation Learning to Squirt Orgasm

    Female EjaculationAs soon as we’d ordered lunch at the local Japanese restaurant I launched into my story of the week. “I’ve just discovered female ejaculation.”

    Sonja rolled her eyes slightly, “Oh yes. Men really get off on that because it makes them feel powerful to watch a woman squirt.”

    “Can you do that?”

    “Yes.”

    “So why haven’t you told me?”

    She … Read More

    Stop excusing jealousy as natural

    Many HeartsIs jealousy natural? Cancer is natural, and so is our appendix. Is jealousy instinctive? Even if we assume it so, our ability to adapt beyond genetic limits is also natural. But anthropology gives us many examples of human sexuality beyond monogamy. Perhaps many of our beliefs about sex are arbitrary based on where and when we were born.

    We do not grow new eyes; we create glasses … Read More

    Sexual Generosity

    Sexual Generosity goes beyond kindness and tolerance. Generosity seeks to improve the condition of others regardless of any return. Sexual generosity must include a far-reaching notion… that the joy of another is not a threat.

    Three Lovers | Théodore Géricault | Public Domain

     

     

    Thank You Wikimedia Commons: Image Link

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    We Lose When We Withhold Love

    NarcissusWe distort our capacity to love others with reference to an imaginary future. We see ourselves in this story and believe we know what love will do for us. We use emotion to force others to do what they “should”; what we desire; what we have in mind. We even withhold and limit love as a threat, ignoring the fact that death stalks us all. … Read More

    Prostitution can be bad, neutral, or good!

    NudeOur society suffers an epidemic of people seeking their own ends at the expense of others. Do not exclude the everyday folks outside of public view. Workaday people can make decisions or carry out boardroom choices that harm. When insurance companies deny a legitimate claim, some administrator cranks out the form letter. They probably know it is wrong but they have their life, debts or children … Read More

    When We Explore Sexual Kindness

    Pandore Wikimedia CommonsWe will probably face fear or prejudice, including our own, when we dare to cross the frontiers of personal and social bias to explore sexual kindness. We hold dear, protect and offer to others the freedom to have new experiences and discover what gives them sexual joy. When others are having such delights, we can embody this kindness or corrupt it. In a situation with more than one lover, the gravity of this subject increases.

    Our desire to be truthful is a real merit but we must avoid the honesty facade. Sometimes coercive motivations hide behind being honest. What is power? It is the ability to make people do what they would not do otherwise. We do not need power to make people do what they want.

    Should we keep from imposing our “honesty” when our lover’s are in the midst of joy with others? Let us be extremely honest with ourselves first. Are we frightened by our lovers eyes shining like lanterns while looking upon another or does a problem (something harmful) really exist? For some of us this question is very difficult.

    As a kindness the least that we can do is not automatically speak, especially if we believe we must justify ourselves by some abstract principle or enforce some arbitrary limit. Can we let others have the ecstasy we probably want for ourselves? How many sweet moments, both in or out of bed, do people interrupt wanting to “share” a feeling when they are really just imposing? We humans are events in nature and like the whether; we are a part of the environment others must deal with.

    Unlike the weather we can rain on a celebration when it suits us, even compel others to seek shelter from the storm.

    If we have an unpleasant feeling, that does not make the circumstances wrong. We can induce discomfort in ourselves and others with unfounded beliefs. Many bigots indeed feel uncomfortable when they come across racially mixed lovers. When we have an idea of the way things “should be” and treat all else as something wrong, we assume infallible judgment. This is not so unlike the racist. The issue here is prejudice provoking our emotions, not the differences between varieties of narrow-mindedness. When the world transgresses our expectations, it does not mean the world is, wrong.

    [Beware] …of an idea abstracted from the concretes of experience and then used to oppose and negate what it was abstracted from… The ‘sentimentalist fallacy’ is to shed tears over abstract justice and generosity, beauty, etc., and never to know these qualities when you meet them in the street, because the circumstances make them vulgar.
    William James

    Because I Can | By Todd VickersMost of us do not have the opportunity to live in ideal circumstances, but that does not negate the discovery of something outside of our expectations. Sometimes what we find is not just unexpected, but worthwhile, even life changing, like varieties of love existing beyond our previous understanding. Our creation of the opportunities for intimate discovery  are less important than our avoidance of  unconsciously destroying those possibilities.

    By Todd Vickers

    Please consider supporting this website with a donation, at the bottom of page.

    Edit: Grammar and Structure 7/11/2014

    Thank You Wikimedia Commons: Image Link

    Go Beyond Jealousy

    On jealousy by Todd VickersI want to talk about identity as perhaps the most important and often overlooked part of going beyond jealousy. Let us ask “who” gets jealous. If we will look at our own self-concept, the questions around this destructive emotion change. Unfortunately, the inquiry may not come spontaneously, as jealousy arises, intense feeling and finding some relief from the anguish may seem the only … Read More

    How I Had A Big Ass Conversion

    Todd SketchBy Todd Vickers

    At times, the wonders of curvy women seem overlooked. This regrettable fad harms both men and women and I hope my experience will help open some minds. However, stating any attraction to women involves sexist hazards, booby traps if you will. Sexism is real and serious but to use chauvinism as an epithet to explain away any discomfort trivializes the issue and … Read More

    How a Man Discusses Sex in the Shadow of Sexism

    Benjamin West - Cymon and Iphigenia 1766A man risks the accusation, sometimes correctly, of objectifying women when discussing either sexual joy or desire. Male shaming may occur even if the focus is in favor of women’s pleasure or well-being. I recall refusing to have sex with a woman in spite of my strong wish. I insisted on the use of condoms (we had just … Read More

    How I Found My Orgasm, Then Started Cumming in Color

    Sharon DalzellBy Sharon Dalzell

    At twenty five I had yet to experience an orgasm try as I might with a willing partner. I was fed up with wondering what the big fuss was about sex. I have since experienced an array of orgasmic delights over the years beginning with my determination to experience any type of orgasm at all. Up till I came the first time, I honestly thought that pizza was a tastier treat … Read More

    Cathartic Orgasms

    Cathartic OrgasmsThe first time I ever saw a cathartic orgasm I was quite concerned.  Should I ring the ambulance or hope it passes?  ‘Cathartic orgasm’, by the way, is a phrase I coined to describe orgasms that have the same signs and symptoms as shock – light-headed-ness or a feeling of passing out, restlessness, confusion, shallow breathing, cool and clammy skin or profuse sweating, weakness and thirst.  While it is predominantly a … Read More

    Commitment Involves Prediction

    LargeLeftSideGirlPeople believe there can be no love in a relationship without some forecast.

    As if, biological or emotional aspects of human beings mysteriously cease to function without prediction.

    When we consider the many failures of commitment, doubt becomes even stronger. When we can point to one or more failures for every success, the positive examples do not prove that commitment helped! The … Read More

    Confessions of a Female Sex Tourist

    Jodi HansonThe fact that it took me almost twenty five years to realize I was a female sex tourist is not a defense.

    Check the screaming tabloids and anti-prostitution literature to confirm that sex tourism is totally unacceptable. Zero tolerance.

    Flash back to Cuba 1978. I was a 25-year old teacher working on a fly-in Indian reserve in northern Canada and I managed to escape for a week in the sun over the Easter break. … Read More

    Different Faces of Jealousy

    Battle for a Woman  Jealousy needs to be distinguished from envy as the fear of losing a person viewed as a possession. Envy springs from desire for things or people possessed by others. The tendency to view people as objects or means seems clear in both cases.

    Some who find great joy with sexually open lovers attempt to arrest … Read More

    How to Deal With Jealousy

    Hercules | Effects of JealousyMenacing Emotions of Jealousy

    Pleasures rendered harmless through intelligence can liberate wonderful unnoticed possibilities. When a person desires more than one lover that longing probably will not find satisfaction through any amount of great sex with a single person. I live in open relationships and have done so for two decades. Anyone who tries to coerce a … Read More

    Discovering You Are Not Monogamous

    Not Monogamous Meeting JealousyMeeting Jealousy

    Not everyone who is not monogamous has the temperament for open relationships. Yet, many have a disposition for deceit, those who are pretending to the custom. I support responsible open sexuality and do not mean to discourage this freedom. However, the emotional intensity involved suggests the need for the most direct honesty without wishful thinking. Chauvinistic culturesRead More

    Slane Girl and Sex as a Weapon from Writing On Water

    Stop Shaming Slane Girl A snippet

    “Women are often treated badly when something wild becomes public. Look through the telescope revealing that custom isn’t the center of the universe. If you want a more juicy life, find safe and conscious participants. If on the contrary, the partners are more or less traditional-hypocrites (those words often run together) then the sex may get … Read More

    Hobbled Hearts Part 2

    Chained BrideSacrificing for an Imagined Good

    When we believe the “right” relationship will secure good circumstances, we assume we know today what this bond should look like in the future. When we attempt to make human interaction similar to ideas we reject other alternatives. We turn our lovers into just a means. Let’s be clear, I use others as means … Read More

    Hobbled Hearts Part 1

    Hobbled Hearts Don’t condemn body desires

    We are double-dealing with body pleasures if we speak of them in dreadful tones. We take risks with sex but the same is true of driving. Let us disapprove of recklessness, not varieties of joy rendered safe through intelligence. When sexual delights happen every day without injury, we should not blame sex for errors of judgment.

    If we condemn physical desires, confusion results, especially when we commonly indulge these joys. This … Read More

    Women’s Self Concept

    Body ConceptWomen are touchy about this issue. Though men have body concept problems I think women are taught to judge their bodies by a much harsher standard than men.  Girls face different prejudices than boys with this body obsession.

    Many people think the anguish around body issues unreasonable. When they discuss the subject they qualify by saying something like; “I know … Read More

    What Do You Mean by Normal People

    Normal PeopleThe concept of normal people. If we have little or no interest in sex we may withhold that information from most people. If we have desires other than the customary, we probably tend to keep those private. These strategic  omissions allow others to fill in the blanks with common ideas. Remember many popular ideas we now reject i.e. a flat earth were thought normal. Let’s … Read More

    Marriage Industrial Complex

    Pleasure is bad unless...Authority insisted that relaxed sexual freedom must be illegitimate. They built a fence around a birthright with shame. Then through the custom, they sell you a constrained pleasure.

    We appease the uncomfortable sexual limits of tradition through buying things commercially associated with sex. The consumer receives an illusion of security and faux potency with each purchase.

    Prostitution, infidelity and … Read More